AZ's Diary of a Damned Man

And I had to hear the same thing from some people at the MINISTRY concerts which doesn't surprise me at all. However to hear it from a family member who I met for the first time in my 39 years of life and it involves the illness and death of my mother is fucking cold. And nothing short of slander.

My aunt dropped me off and I went to my room where I looked around for a place to have a drink to calm my nerves. So I went next door to a Cabaret called Christina's only charged a $7 cover and had killer drink specials. It turns out that the bartender and the bar back are both friends of my good friend Steve. So they both had my back. And they earned a hefty tip. I also was greeted by to extremely thin women who were deaf-mutes and communicated with me via pen and paper. I must say that was a first.

The next morning I packed an called a friend of my Uncles named Harold who offered to drive me all over that part of Florida to try to take care of my mothers business. But that was only after eating a nasty breakfast at Waffle House. Sadly it was the closest place to eat.

The first place we went to was the funeral home where I needed to sign all of the paper work to cremate my mother. The owner of the funeral home Tom Dobies was great and made the experience very easy on me. He even attempted to slip in a little humor. If there is any humor about this it's that Dobie was the name my mother called me for the first 5 years of my life and even occasionally dropped it in over the years as she had a hard time referring to me as Alex. "So mother, I think I got your message."

I half expected to come home with her remains but was told they will be shipped to me encased in an urn within 10 days. Now I have to take care of her death certificate and file it at the social security office. I got the go ahead from her sisters to take her ashes to Sedona next year and leave her ashes at a vortex which is one of the most beautiful places, in the most beautiful city I've ever been.

I also had my mothers eyes donated to a local eye bank. So she was able to help someone in her passing. And for those of you who wonder, she had just turned 59 in July.

Next we needed to go over to the public storage where my mothers entire property was packed. I was told she didn't have much but when her last companion Jim was kind enough to meet me and give me the key. I was about to be shocked but I should have known better. The place was packed as high as it was deep and there was no way I would be able to go through it in a day, let alone a few hours. So I went to the office and paid up the rent for another month and called my Uncle in Michigan to make other arrangements about getting the property. She had enough to fill at least a 1 bedroom apartment and all of it was fairly new. And I found a stack of photos she had together that I sent her of me and a former companion on a cross country road trip. And I know that when my mother passed, she went away thinking I was still happy and in love. And I'm glad she never had to know the truth. My happiness made her happy.

The most painful part of this was going through her purse. It literally tore me up and my eyes burned as I fought back the tears. But the big Whammy was about to hit me. A certain family member took $300 dollars out of my mothers wallet and swore to put it back. When I called to inquire I was told I'd have to wait a month since it was obviously spent. Can you imagine the cold anger that boiled my blood at this moment? Can anyone imagine how low of a deed this is and to take money from a woman's wallet who wasn't even dead yet is to me, especially when it was my mother? I was blind-sided for the second time on this trip. Deceived.

We then drove over to another town where the country club was that my mother worked for. In the corner there were flowers, the only memorial to a wonderful woman who everyone loved existed on the Florida coast. Her friend and co-worker Dolly and the manager Steve were great and they had a lot of really nice things to say about my mother who they dubbed Designer Julie ( which was also on the card in the flowers), and they told me of how she was always smiling and how she made everyone laugh. Dolly had spent my mothers last days by her side by telling the hospital that she was her niece. And I was also blind-sided a third time when I found out the family member who I mentioned earlier had asked for my mothers purse before she even saw her in the hospital. I was deeply hurt but now it was more of a numbing pain. The kind where the last part of any heart you have left dies. I got my mothers last paycheck, cashed it and used it to pay rent on the storage unit so her things will be safe till I can get back down there and take care of it. And the one heartwarming thing her coworkers did was save my mothers last nights tips and gave it to me. So many other places wouldn't have even mentioned it. I was assured she was loved though she only knew these people for her last 3 months on earth.

Harold drove me to the airport where I sat for 6 hours alone rather than spend a minute looking into the face of the person who took money from a dying woman. And I sat there and pondered everything about my life. Why are people so fucking cruel? My voice was hoarse from the last few nights of pain. Why do people feel the need to hurt me in my weakest moments? Why knock a man down, over and over when he's down and out? And why do I let it bother me? And I can only deduct that it's because I am capable of feeling and no mater how much I try to shut it off I am only a man. One man.

But I do know there are good people out there such a Harold who never knew of me till a couple days before I went to Florida. Like Dolly and Steve and the people who so cared about my mother and only knew of my existence through photographs. Like Jim, the man who held the key to the storage unit and drove there to give it to a man he never knew till that moment. My best friend Greg and my best friend from high school Kevin who I haven't seen since graduation and calls to check in on me. And like Steve and Sinderella who left me messages saying they care and are there for me. And like Angie and Al of MINISTRY who emailed their condolences, and Jim Marcus and the countless others who did the same. Porn stars who I've only met briefly and mad laugh or smile. And people I don't even know who read this website and my magazine. It's people like you who don't come here to read about my decadence, or to poke fun at me while masquerading as fair weather friends in my face. People who don't even know me, but I have somehow touched in some way through the internet or an MK related event and made smile. It's because of people like you that I still hold out hope for and why I didn't end my own existence a long time ago. Thank you for making life a little more bearable for an old war-dog like myself.