Thursday night Paul and I went to a neighborhood bar that I was recently told a few tings about. Now for the first time on this site I'm going to vice my extreme dissatisfaction regarding the condition and atmosphere of a Chicago Tavern. Christina's Place on North Kedzie is a D-U-M-P! A true pit, a den of losers in every sense of the phrase. Now, I did check out what has been written online about this place and all the reviews are great. I strongly suspect that it must be owners, employees and close friends of the aforementioned that made these posts. In fact, I'm amazed that anyone who goes to this rat trap can use a computer let alone, spell well enough to write a review of the joint. To their credit pints of Guinness and Millers are ALWAYS $2 and pitchers are always $5. However, Witts (2913 N. Lincoln) is really nice and enjoyable and have $5 pitchers many days of the week. Paul commented the restroom was like being in a stockade and I was impressed by the two 2x4's that supported the tables lining the wall. The cliental was another thing. Imagine Moe's Tavern in Indianapolis, or any bar in the greater Indianapolis Metropolitan area and you have the barfly's of Christina's Place. And even worse this place is supposedly and Irish hangout. I sincerely doubt that.
Greg arrived as I finished a pitcher with a lil help from Paul and had 2 Jack and Cokes ($3.50 and not bad according to him), and then I changed into something more appropriate and we were off to Heavenly Bodies in the burbs. We had been there 2 times before and had little in teh way of grand exceptions. Heavenly Bodies is at 1300 S. Elmhurst Rd out near the airport if you're heading from the city. This place is a bargain no matter how you slice it. Even if the help, who as far as we can tell, and we are considered experts, aren't as "enhanced" as the ladies at Crazy Whores, they are indeed natural and overall pretty good looking specimens. The cover is $10 per patron and that includes all food and drinks. How about that? And for a couple guys who like to pound a few on occasion, this is a dream. Most places we go to the price of a makers and Cokes is around $8 and after tip, well you've dropped a 10 note.
It was pretty packed by the time we arrived at the stroke of the witching hour. We found a seat in the back of the club and he had Jack and Coke and I had a MGD Light and the trend continued. Over the next few hours we worked our way to better seats as the crowd began to thin. And we were very quick to notice that the girls were unusually and annoyingly pretty pushy. We had both gone out to the club with the notion we weren't going to take private dances and we were firm on that. These chicks weren't hearing it. They would approach you, grab your arm or by the hand and ORDER you, "Let's Go!" Now for people like me and the El Guapo's of the world, that's like sex without foreplay or at the least any "dirty talk". There were several ladies who were undesirable and we would not want a dance from if it were free, I tell you that my fiends. One "lady" who just didn't get it, and continued to approach us, had a huge mole on her midriff that I was afraid if she didn't pluck the hairs from it would look more like a big ol spider thus resulting in many a customer slapping her on her belly in attempts to save her or themselves from the bite. In the immortal word of Buck Russell as played by the late great John Candy in Uncle Buck, "Do yourself a favor, take this quarter and do downtown and get some rat to gnaw that thing off of 'yourself' "
We ended up talking to some girls later on who we discovered were from the Czech Republic and Russia. The last time we were there which would have been one year ago this Memorial Day the majority of them were from Poland, thus giving the impression that the owner has some sort of "thing" going with that whole ensamble. And these girls, the poor things that they are, work 6 nights a week and never EVER see downtown Chicago. I cannot imagine the horror of living and working in the US for a year and being stuck in some one or two bedroom apartment with a bunch of my friends or co-workers and not getting past the outskirts of Chicago especially in Elk Grove Village. Yet from everyone we've ever spoken to that works at the club, that is indeed the case. Sounds more like slave labor.
And for teh record, both Grego and I always stick out in this place. We really are completely out of our element there. The look at us as if we were aliens. The drinks are well worth it though, BIG TIME. The only thing more economical is free. I looked the club up this morning and a recent review read: "Face it the majority of HB's customers are a bunch of blue collar redneck hillbillies." and I really cannot disagree. As a matter of fact, in the past, we were told in that establishment that "long hair" was out of style. I would have to say that the first ladies of the Adult Industry disagree, and I could care less anyway. Fuck fashion and fuck trendroids. Hell, that's what I've come to expect from those in the NW burbs. I may as well be in Gary or Indiana for that matter.
Despite it all we stayed till last call and left when told they were closing. We both walked out to the G-Mans car with smiles, high fived and left Heavenly Bodies for the first time without doing so under protest. And that is reason enough to go back out there.
NOTE" If you're into Eastern Euro girls, this IS the place to be. They' seem to have a monopoly on them.
Heavenly Bodies
1300 S. Elmhurst Rd., Elk Grove Village
bikini / topless (private dances)
$10 cover charge - all you can eat/drink on weekdays.
$10 private dances / $15 topless
Posted by Alex Zander at February 12, 2005 09:46 AM