AZ's Diary of a Damned Man

Yet it never fails, year after year when May comes around and the April showers have already begun to bring it's soggy annual downpour into June. I dream of two things, riding my bike and that I want to go camping dammit!

Yet I could be in the predicament that I was in a year ago. Trying to hold together a relationship that was already doomed and would eventually dump more havoc and instability on my life than any calendar year of my existance. Sure, facing the facts and recognizing the signs sure would have prepared me for the awful truth and impending shitstorm. But at the same time, some of us, never learn. Well I think I did this time. I think I did for once. And perhaps that is the biggest reason I am so leery of allowing myself to enter any other kind of intimate and trusting relationship.

Yet in retrospect 2004 as poor as it was for me personally when it came to relationships was also a triumphant year in terms of advances in business relationships.

And that was indeed a silent storm of it's own.

I made a friend in filmmaker Rusty Nails which lead me to Romero, and Lloyd Kaufman on a much more intimate level than a fan or member of the press. And from there I played around at the Movieside festival, the Tromathon, and later that year at the Flashback Weekend with the Dawn of the Dead reunion and getting back together with Bryan and the Chicago Underground Film Festival, which led to a rather interesting and trying evening with anti-hero Jim Van Bebber.

In the fall the MK team (myself, jSIN and Karlton) swept through Glamour Con where many more contacts were established as we had the thumbs up of one Michael Illynski aka Steve Svetty, Staci Burke, Taylor Wane and many others, sans Shannon Tweed.

And even though I had to deal with the passing of my birth mother which slowed down my attempt to move away from the conditions which I had been inhabiting through the summer months, I managed to get 2 of my friends bands signed to international record deals, did more than a lot involving favorite band/friends Ministry including a mega successful record release party, 3 concerts an after show birthday party for Al, and getting Rick Neilson of Cheap Trick onstage with them in Milwaukee. All while living in squalor to the amusement of a few and the disgust of many. Not to mention the embarassment of myself.

I also saw and reunited with Skinny Puppy 3 times last year. 3 Ministry and 3 Skinny Puppy shows in 1 year is quite an enhancement in enjoyment, when dealing with personal wounds and woes.

Gauge swept into town right after my mother passed and it helped to cheer me up. She stayed for a week we had loads of fun with her, and when Seymore Butts came to town and included me in the filming of their hit Showtime reality show (FAMILY BUSINESS) I had the honor of introducing Gauge and Adam Glasser. This also established a relationship with what PLAYBOY Magazine has called Chicago's coolest club, Transit.

And then there was turning 40. I do not wish to relive that weekend again ever. Because it took a toll on my health, but I saw who my friends were, and who they really are and that meant a lot to me for a guy who feels as though he's wasted the last 20 years of his life on people and personalizes he'd rather forget and learn to regret. My birthday party(s)in 2004 have never been matched for me ever and I really appreciate anyone involved. And it all led up to the best New Years Eve of my life.

So, in retrospect the storm of 2004 was a violent and unforgiving one but one I am happy to have lived through. Even though it had it's up and downs it certainly beats another existence which is far less, mentally stimulating. I rejuvenated a few old friendships and dissected and displaced many more. And if anything I know who I can trust and who I will never trust as I go into my next 40! And I'll spend that repairing the first 40. And I don't mean 40 oz.

And when all is said and done, and as the dusk settles, one crystal clear fact shall remain. If I had remained in that ill-fated relationship I could not have possibly experienced what laid beyond that rainy and cold, and doomed Spring of 2004. Something that far eclipsed the drama we in the know refer to as Zuzu Petals. In retrospect the Zuzu thing was a walk in the park compared to mental destruction I enountered with in the past year.

Here's to 2005! When the weather settles we're going to have a helluva BBQ! with a few good friends helped me get to this point. And the rest of you, that cannot appreciate the smiles we managed to achieve should just give up and quit trying to rain your shitstorm on a parade of people who only want to be happy in their world. It's getting pathetic. Get over it. In many ways you already won anyway.

And this weather as it hovers over me much like the black cloud that does same shall not hinder he 1st coming of Fetus Boy aka Creepy aka Jeff Brown of 2005.