photo from yesterday
Just got back from taking Marc Osorno to the Admiral to see Gauge dance. It was awesome. We had our names at the door, another first for a feature since the contract reads no guest list, and then they sat us in the VIP section which normally costs $300. Gauge was amazing and her fans went insane for her. She signed autographs and took photos with fans, men and women both. Marc and I sat 10 feet away from her as she kept making faces at me. And she charged the guys $100 for a one song lap dance.
The second set she did was awesome, I'll talk all about it and the heavy music they played that really freaked out the club tomorrow. I need to get some sleep cause I have a big day tomorrow with Seymour Butts, Showtime, and then have to go back out to Gauges hotel in the afternoon.
For the record she's the most entertaining feature and or dancer I've ever seen.
It was great spending time with Marc. It's been a long fucking time.
Hope you're all well.
XXX - Alex (now a few more pix/click below to view)
Photos by the great Karlton.
I fell asleep and missed Gauge at the Admiral last night after listening to her on the radio. That was the very first time I ever listened to B 96 FM and more than likely the last, unless they have me on which one never can tell these days.
Woke up this morning to a barrage if emails from freelancers and modeling agencies. Adultfyi.com reported on our Gauge shoot yesterday and I'm sure AVN, Hustler, and the other adult news sites will pick up on it later this afternoon being they are all in LA.
Hopfully I can get some work done today and take it easy as I'm feeling wiped out, and my immune system is weakening. Time for a bunch of Vitamin C. I haven't been eating right and have been keeping very strange hours.
Tomorrow at 1PM I am meeting the Showtime camera crew and producers of Family Business at a lunch with Seymour Butts that will be aired in January on the weekly cable show. And on Saturday I'm having dinner with Seymour and his fans at Al Dente Cafe which is being taped as will they Pimps And Ho's Ball at Transit Saturday night. So it will be MK in your face for those of you who subscribe to the Showtime Cable Network. I think we'll have a watching party at Tubby's 2 when the show airs next Jan. as long as it is not during AVN AEE which wouldn't make very much sense anyway.
Again onto Gauge, who I cannot say enough good things about. She's witty, can play goofy and be a pro all at the same time. Jason is a kick ass guy to and I really like getting to know him. It's only going to make the trip to Vegas all that much better when we get there as it get really cold here.
And I also want to thank my good friend Karlton for being so professional and not let Gauges nudity affect his work. He seemed comfortable and broght in teh gear and the lights and backdrops and got teh job done in about 3 hours. I thank Grego for the ride and Newbomb for dropping by. It's weird because after this summer the people who work at teh Embassy Suites seem to know us pretty well and went out of their way to greet us and make us feel comfortable in a place that is definitely a lot more Frank Lloyd Wright than I ever noticed before. Thanks to Jeff the bartender if he reads this ever. He invited us in for drinks so it seems he knows us pretty well.
Saturday my aunts and uncle are having a memorial for my mother. I wish I was not committed to work but she and they will all be in my thoughts and in my heart. As of today her ashes still have not arrived but I have a good feeling that they will arrive today or tomorrow. And as I mentioned her before I'm taking them to my favorite vortex high up in Sedona and spreading them there. It's the most beautiful thing I can think to do. Other than that my obligations continue as I have to take her death certificate into the Social Security office for filing. There sure is a lot involved when it comes to death. But I'm learning a lot and I'm looking at life a lot different these days than I did, say 6 months ago.
I'm sure there will be big updates tomorrow.
Hello children! Old AZ is having a blast with Gauge. I spent the whole day with her at her room where did her photo shoot all afternoon for our new issue. She is a ball of fire. She is so tiny for those of you who don't know and her little body was walking around us butt naked like we weren't even there. When Karlton arrived I think he was a little caught off guard by her complete nudity but he handled the whole scenario like the pro he is and he is a true pro in every sense of the word. I'm extremely flattered to work with the likes of him.
Gauge is on the radio right now on B 96.3 FM and is going to drop a few words about AZ and MK.
She's going to stay an extra 2 days so that she can attend the Pimp And Ho's Ball with us and she's even going to dinner w/ us and Seymour Butts on Sat afternoon. I'm pretty excited. So it looks like we'll be hanging out a lot more over the weekend. She wants me to come out to teh Admiral to see her tonight but I am wiped out. I may go for the hell of it anyway to show my support.
I will have a photo gallery of Gauge photos up VERY soon. Karlton took some amazing photos
See Gauge's journal here where she mentions hanging w/ AZ the other night www.ilovegauge.com/journal.php
Also see www.wildharedesigns.com/photos/pics.php?l=2004_1025-neoMondaysGauge&m= for all the images from NEO with Gauge.
So when this is all over with hopefully the weather will be nice enough Sunday where I'm planning on an outdoor photo shoot with my 2 new ViXXXens Amber and Pamela for MK autumn images in order to capture the mood of my favorite time of the year.
You'd feel like that to if you were with Gauge till 530 AM. Who kicked me in the head! 12 Gauge or at least Mr .44
That's it for now, much more later.
Oh, Look for AZ on the Season Premier of Family Business on ShowTime in Jan. 2005 Not just a cameo either. All details in a few days. Don't want any crashers. This is going to be the biggest yet.
I've got to extend many thanks to my ol pal Paul Baio aka Phellon Bayle for breathing new life into an old concept. The show went online yesterday and we will be taping anew show every week. Watch for the playlists to appear on a new link sometime this week and I'll update it accordingly.
Phellon runs FDA Radio 365 days a years and the rest of the programming is his own. It was mighty generous of him to give us a slot every three hours. So check us out at least once a week. Please register and rate his station.
Hope you all enjoy.
A new revamped online version of the MK "ULTRASOUND" radio show is now available at www.live365.com/stations/phellon
It will run 8 times a day. 12 am, 3 am, 6 am, 9 am, 12 pm, 3 pm, 6 pm and 9 pm. We can’t control where live 365 puts their commercials. So listen and see what you think of the new version. The software AND listening is free.
The MK ULTRASOUND radio program, arrived on the air in April 1999 broadcasting out of Elgin, IL on 94.3 FM WJKL Rebel Radio before being syndicated nationwide less than a year later.
MK ULTRASOUND became an offspring of the critically acclaimed, independently published MK ULTRA Magazine, now titled MK Magazine,which Zander first published in 1995. The magazine's main focus is "dark" rock music, which had been given the gothic/industrial tag over the years, yet unlike other publications, MK Magazine has covered this genre with a sarcastic sense of humor, cleverly poking fun at the mainstream. The show featured Techno/Industrial rock music, exclusive recordings and in-studio interviews with various Industrial-geared rock music performers including guests from the bands Pigface, Sister Machine Gun, Ministry, Godhead, Electric Hellfire Club, Veruca Salt, Emeralde Fear, Chainsaw Johnny, Vampire and more. The station, which is headed by Scott Davidson, received the honor of Gavin's 1997 & 1998 ROCK STATION of the YEAR.
In September of 1999 host, Alex Zander, struck a deal with Loud Radio DJ and Program Director, Guy Giuliano, known to listeners as the G-Ster. The Chicago area produced went on the air in Sedona/Flagstaff, AZ on 101.1 FM KLOD Loud Radio, 88FM in Guam, DSL/Cable and overseas on SWRS in Europe. Loud Radio was at the time in the process of purchasing more radio properties and should have all of Phoenix and Tuscon by Y2K. Zander became familiar with the Loud Radio Network that May during a cross-country road trip. He knew when he woke up at 6 am while camping in the mountains of Flagstaff and hearing the station play Type O Negative and Rammstein that he had found a perfect outlet. The Loud Radio Network played MK ULTRASOUND from 9-10 PM on Sundays in the southwest.
So it became the MK ULTRASOUND Radio Network and when Loud Radio and was part of a radio merger into nationwide Syndication it took MK ULTRASOUND with it. Thus making it a nationally syndicated radio hour.
Shortly thereafter Zander dismissed original sidekick Chris Harris aka DJ ODD and teamed up with Mike "The Madman" Jakubow, as his co-host and associate producer to produce the program. It became a wild ride of mayhem from thereon. The chemistry between the two almost turned the show into a comedy hour with Zander playing the part of the "out of control rock maniac" and Jakubow as his "wise cracking straight man". Jakubow brought a new flavor to the show with spontaneous sound effects and samples catching his host off guard. The show remained syndicated nationwide through Spring of 2001.
Seemingly without warning late in 2000 Rebel Radios flagship station WJKL was sold and the rocking metal station moved to Northbrook IL onto 1240 and 1470 AM and MK ULTRA SOUND departed from Rebel. Through early 2001 MK ULTRASOUND remained on the LOUD RADIO until the network was acquired and disbanded in Spring of 2001.
In the end the show was broadcast by Zander and sidekick Phellon Bayle who now broadcasts the show online, and takes the old show into an all new realm.
Mike Jakubow is still a weekend DJ on Rebel Radio AM and works for Victory Records as a representative.
Some of the artists that we've played on the MK ULTRASOUND RADIO NETWORK include:
(this is by no mean a complete listing)
Nine Inch Nails
Thrill Kill Kult
Sister Machine Gun
1000 Homo DJ's
Lords Of Acid
The Electric Hellfire Club
Pop Will Eat Itself
Sons Of Midnight
Monkeys With Handguns
Meat Beat Manifesto
Front Line Assembly
Girls Under Glass
Meg Lee Chin
Drought they called it early this Indian Summer. We need rain, my ass. All it did from Spring to August was rain at least 3.5 days a week. In June the campground was flooded at Minnihaha and the river was a record high, at least for the last 6 year. So it began last night which was great cause it helped me sleep, a lot. But I must catch a train to Naperville in order to hang out at Tubby's Drive In and I hate the sloppy city rain and busses and cars that splash innocent peds and cyclists.
With that said I'd like to share an obsession of mine as of late. No, not squirters, but dreams.
I spend so much time using this program that Kevin and LA Mark made for me and researching news and images every day that I dream about it. I am obsessed with getting this done everyday and I see the program in my sleep. Especially if I'm out of town or in an unexpected situation, such as my mother dying or a relationship gone sour, and I cannot update this thing. But I have to admit it's better than waiting around for someone else to do it after I've done all of the research. And I can actually check my email and update the site now from any location in the world where I can get online.
So that's it for now.
Did anyone see how coked up Tommy Lee was on Letterman last night? My phone rang 2X with people asking if I noticed. It was good for a laugh. I wonder if Fayner caught it? But funniest was those kids in Halloween costumes. I loved the little Courtney Love, and though that before he even said it's who it was supposed to be.
Well it looks like I have Halloween plans afterall. And for the first time I'll be dressed as a pimp. WTF, isn't that pretty much what I am anyway? How cheesy? But I gotta play by the rules.
Halloween Costumes of the past:
Gene Simmons (Destroyer) 5 years (first place)
Paul Stanley (Love Gun) 2 years (first prize 1 X in a Lesbo bar)
Coop (suave devil in suit)
Satan Claus (3 years)
Dread Pirate Roberts
Phantom Of The Opera
The Joker (Nicholson's version)
Dracula (Gary Oldman)
Oops. I was mistaken as far as the date for the annual Pimps and Ho's Ball which I thought was this weekend, is actually next weekend. Which actually gives me time to breathe before Miss Gauge arrives. She sounds as excited to hang out as I feel. Which will be good because I need a break. We should have a SUBSONIC gallery up on the site soon, the photos from the shoot are amazing. Plus the I LOVE RICH CD is being sent off to be manufactured so both CD's should be coming out at about the same time on SONIC WAVE INTERNATIONAL. You'll be hearing a lot more about both bands really soon as I hammer the press with my PR campaign which we only began teasing them with this summer.
Still waiting on my mothers ashes to arrive, which should be anyday now.
Last night was interesting. I met Greg, Mike J from Victory Records, and Moe from Interscope down at the spectacular Sofitel Hotel downtown for another Johnny Walker Journey of Taste Event. It felt like High School because there was plenty of Beavis And Butthead humor abound. I was almost in tears at one point. Moe looked like a cross between Scott Weiland and John Lydon. It felt good to laugh, really good. Afterwards we sat in the lobby for a bit on the plush sofas people watching and said our, see you next times. Grego and I dropped by Kelsey's for wings and then met Kevin over at Darkroom where it was packed and a very shitty band was playing. So we crossed the street to Tumans for a quickie giving the band enough time to wrap it up and had one more at Darkroom and went home.
I'm still going through all of my mail. It's been a week since I checked it and a lot came and a lot of DVD's if you know what I mean. There was so much I had to get a box to take my mail home in. So I have to get around that as well as meet Kevin to go up and work on Marcia's PC. So I'm going to be pretty busy and then it's off to Tubby's.
I interview Roxy Saint (YUM) Tuesday and then getting my SKINNY PUPPY tattoo redone like the image below and then getting my sleeve started. My right arm is going to be aflame with many colors. So I have something to be excited about but don't know which the most, Gauge, Roxy, or the tattoo.
Don't forget the big Mortiis event coming to NEO on Nov 1.
I'm getting back into the groove ever so slowly.
As most of you know I got back from St Petersburg LF really late Friday night after having my mother cremated. The whole ordeal was very hard considering the shows I had to attend and events I was involved in and crazy commutes to the burbs and back where I was phoned at 530 AM on a Sunday morning from a Dr who said my mother was deteriorating. Being that I was getting into a trend of early to bed and early to rise getting such depressing phone calls all hours of the night and day left me unable to sleep due to stress. Not even sleeping aides were working in my quest for rest.
Saturday night Grego, Steve and some others went to the Blue Iguana to see Zorans band ALL SYSTEMS HALT perform for the first time since their Metro gig last June. They were the only act and it was fun to see them and trade inside jokes among each other during their performance. They went on late so I go little sleep in time to wake and train out to Midway where I was to meet up with Ron Marks and Dan Laudo for their video shoot the next day.
And as if all of the unpredictable occurrences had never happened, at the last minute the space we were suppose to use fell though and I had less than one day to acquire another and get the gear there. Well with the help of Yvette Ulrich my photographer friend in LA if all came together. We got a Marshall stack which is a company that endorses Ron, Sabian cymbals for Dan who he is endorsed by and even a drum, as well as a make up and hair stylist. So with that done we qwoudl be able to enjoy one night togther.
We checked the boys into their room at the DAYS INN (not the one that smells like Caribbean Jerk Sauce) and walked to Ranallis for dinner and football. After we ate our massive entrees filling our now unvacant guts we mossied over to the bar where Dan and Ron could smoke and catch the end of the game. We noticed a couple of attractive females at the other end who had been staring at us since we entered. Now after about 45 minutes I said to Dan, "Why don't they just come over and ask who we are? " And a minute later, almost on cue the blonde yells out, "Is your name Alex?" I went over and found that it was Bree (Butterburger) from myspace someone who I began communicating with regarding bars in NYC to visit on her birthday. Ironically, the Butterburger became a big joke with me an my cohorts on our last camping extravaganza. I was humored when I said to Dan and Ron, "Jesus, you guys are the famous people, why was I the one recognized." To which Ron replied, "You're more famous than everybody."
So we hung out with them for awhile and laughed it up prior to cabbing across town. They were very cool and went up and bought the last copies of MK left at Tower Records. I'm sure they're tainted now.
Afterwards we cabbed over to Street Side where we waited for Dietrich Thrall who really came through for us in getting the final pieces together for the video as well as filling in on bass. It is also likely that Dietrich and Dan will be Ron's touring band.
Later on my friend Linda from Indianapolis who I've known since 1989 showed up and it was the first time I had seen her in just over 4 years. She looked great and planned to stay for a couple days. But as I've always found no matter where I bring a pretty gal that nobody I know has ever seen whether they have girlfriends, wives or fiancés the dog in them immediately comes out. I will not name the two fellas out of respect, but I will say that it drastically changes my feeling of trust in them. And Linda isn't the kind of lady who goes around wanting attraction, in fact, over all she's pretty anti-social, by her own admission. I always thought of her as more of a hermit.
Somehow we all made it out and I wasn't even in Linda's car one-minute when my cell phone rang and it was one of the guys I had just mentioned, and he called repeatedly for the next 5 minutes, something that he has made a trend as of late. Dietrich took the band out to eat an early breakfast and I tried to get to sleep as Linda kept making me laugh. Something that was actually pretty nice after the past few weeks.
We woke up Monday went to the Golden Nugget to meet the guys and arrived early afternoon at the warehouse in Lincoln Park where the shoot would take place. Everything went perfectly. And as I've said before there is something refreshing about working with pros as opposed to wannabes something that I'll never do again, and why should I. And the entire performance only took a little over 90-minutes to capture and with the load in and out load we were done in around 4 hours all total. Paul Baio was great and we all ended up at NEO for Metal Night where we were treated very well.
The next morning Blabbermouth had already picked up on the video shoot and posted the photos, which is a good thing. I had received and Kevin posted the MINISTRY concert and backstage party photos and I got an email from the band saying they are using the pix fro the upcoming MINISTRY DVD. I had the $5 pizza over at Kelsey's and Dakota took really good care of us as always.Tuesday night we had some last minute business to take care of and after the stresses had passed, Linda, Greg and I went to NEO where I danced my ass off into a sweaty mess for the first time in many years.
Wednesday I said goodbyes and tried to rest all day. I met Paul for wings and got to bed pretty early. It wasn't as easy to sleep as I had hoped, too much on my mind, too may emails to return and very big week coming up.
I got invited to Seymour Butts Pimps and Ho's party this weekend, which is being filmed for his TV Show Family Business, and Gauge gets to town on Sunday so we have a pretty busy week lined up. And for the first time in my life I do not have concrete plans for Halloween. Not even a costume idea. That just goes to verify my state of mind, I don't even think I'll be able to have fun on my favorite holiday.
That's my story and I'm schticking to it. What I need now is a nice wekend out at Tubby's Drive Inn II.
Just checking in. I will update completely as soon as I get some rest. I'm beat. Ron went home today and everything went perfectly. It's been non-stop for a couple weeks and I really need to chill right now.
Again, thanks to all who were involved in making the video shoot a tremendous success especially Paul Baio. Look for details very soon of our return to the airwaves via internet radio.
And I really mean thanks to anyone who has offered comfort and kindness to me over the last few weeks. It's been really hard on me and your words mean more to me than I would ever be able to express.
I'm going to take a sleeping aide at this time and hopefully have some happy dreams. I sure need some after busting my ass over the last 3 weeks.
See you there. - AZ
I flabbergast! Yesterday everything went 100 % perfect. Working with real pros is so refreshing. So much more to tell, but I need time here. Linda arrived on Sunday and is still here. She is one of my oldest friends. And extremely easy on the eyes. Ron and Dan are still asleep in their hotel suite. Dietrich IS the BOMB!!!!
Love and respect and all due to the kids at 1930 N Seminary!
I got back from Florida last night. The whole trip was horrible. On the way down there they changed my gate 3 times and delayed the flight for 2 hours. And to top it off they moved my seat and put me between 2 people. I loathe that, being sandwiched between two strangers who I'm sure got an eyeful of the new Jim Morrison biography I was reading.
I got to St Petersburg late and landed at the small airport where I came face to face with my Aunt Jerry for the very first time. I checked into my room and she drove me all over the place looking for a place to eat. There are lots of old people there so basically things close a little early.
We finally found a 24 hour diner where she was about to lay some pretty disturbing news on me. Actually I shouldn't be surprised that there are still some people even in this darkest hour who feel the need to hurt me and stretch the truth. Especially after writing to me expressing kind words about my mother to only have me find out there was a horrendous lie involved. I was blind-sided, and my trip was starting to look grim. The past is the past and what is over is over. What in final especially with a judges ruling is final.
And I had to hear the same thing from some people at the MINISTRY concerts which doesn't surprise me at all. However to hear it from a family member who I met for the first time in my 39 years of life and it involves the illness and death of my mother is fucking cold. And nothing short of slander.
My aunt dropped me off and I went to my room where I looked around for a place to have a drink to calm my nerves. So I went next door to a Cabaret called Christina's only charged a $7 cover and had killer drink specials. It turns out that the bartender and the bar back are both friends of my good friend Steve. So they both had my back. And they earned a hefty tip. I also was greeted by to extremely thin women who were deaf-mutes and communicated with me via pen and paper. I must say that was a first.
The next morning I packed an called a friend of my Uncles named Harold who offered to drive me all over that part of Florida to try to take care of my mothers business. But that was only after eating a nasty breakfast at Waffle House. Sadly it was the closest place to eat.
The first place we went to was the funeral home where I needed to sign all of the paper work to cremate my mother. The owner of the funeral home Tom Dobies was great and made the experience very easy on me. He even attempted to slip in a little humor. If there is any humor about this it's that Dobie was the name my mother called me for the first 5 years of my life and even occasionally dropped it in over the years as she had a hard time referring to me as Alex. "So mother, I think I got your message."
I half expected to come home with her remains but was told they will be shipped to me encased in an urn within 10 days. Now I have to take care of her death certificate and file it at the social security office. I got the go ahead from her sisters to take her ashes to Sedona next year and leave her ashes at a vortex which is one of the most beautiful places, in the most beautiful city I've ever been.
I also had my mothers eyes donated to a local eye bank. So she was able to help someone in her passing. And for those of you who wonder, she had just turned 59 in July.
Next we needed to go over to the public storage where my mothers entire property was packed. I was told she didn't have much but when her last companion Jim was kind enough to meet me and give me the key. I was about to be shocked but I should have known better. The place was packed as high as it was deep and there was no way I would be able to go through it in a day, let alone a few hours. So I went to the office and paid up the rent for another month and called my Uncle in Michigan to make other arrangements about getting the property. She had enough to fill at least a 1 bedroom apartment and all of it was fairly new. And I found a stack of photos she had together that I sent her of me and a former companion on a cross country road trip. And I know that when my mother passed, she went away thinking I was still happy and in love. And I'm glad she never had to know the truth. My happiness made her happy.
The most painful part of this was going through her purse. It literally tore me up and my eyes burned as I fought back the tears. But the big Whammy was about to hit me. A certain family member took $300 dollars out of my mothers wallet and swore to put it back. When I called to inquire I was told I'd have to wait a month since it was obviously spent. Can you imagine the cold anger that boiled my blood at this moment? Can anyone imagine how low of a deed this is and to take money from a woman's wallet who wasn't even dead yet is to me, especially when it was my mother? I was blind-sided for the second time on this trip. Deceived.
We then drove over to another town where the country club was that my mother worked for. In the corner there were flowers, the only memorial to a wonderful woman who everyone loved existed on the Florida coast. Her friend and co-worker Dolly and the manager Steve were great and they had a lot of really nice things to say about my mother who they dubbed Designer Julie ( which was also on the card in the flowers), and they told me of how she was always smiling and how she made everyone laugh. Dolly had spent my mothers last days by her side by telling the hospital that she was her niece. And I was also blind-sided a third time when I found out the family member who I mentioned earlier had asked for my mothers purse before she even saw her in the hospital. I was deeply hurt but now it was more of a numbing pain. The kind where the last part of any heart you have left dies. I got my mothers last paycheck, cashed it and used it to pay rent on the storage unit so her things will be safe till I can get back down there and take care of it. And the one heartwarming thing her coworkers did was save my mothers last nights tips and gave it to me. So many other places wouldn't have even mentioned it. I was assured she was loved though she only knew these people for her last 3 months on earth.
Harold drove me to the airport where I sat for 6 hours alone rather than spend a minute looking into the face of the person who took money from a dying woman. And I sat there and pondered everything about my life. Why are people so fucking cruel? My voice was hoarse from the last few nights of pain. Why do people feel the need to hurt me in my weakest moments? Why knock a man down, over and over when he's down and out? And why do I let it bother me? And I can only deduct that it's because I am capable of feeling and no mater how much I try to shut it off I am only a man. One man.
But I do know there are good people out there such a Harold who never knew of me till a couple days before I went to Florida. Like Dolly and Steve and the people who so cared about my mother and only knew of my existence through photographs. Like Jim, the man who held the key to the storage unit and drove there to give it to a man he never knew till that moment. My best friend Greg and my best friend from high school Kevin who I haven't seen since graduation and calls to check in on me. And like Steve and Sinderella who left me messages saying they care and are there for me. And like Angie and Al of MINISTRY who emailed their condolences, and Jim Marcus and the countless others who did the same. Porn stars who I've only met briefly and mad laugh or smile. And people I don't even know who read this website and my magazine. It's people like you who don't come here to read about my decadence, or to poke fun at me while masquerading as fair weather friends in my face. People who don't even know me, but I have somehow touched in some way through the internet or an MK related event and made smile. It's because of people like you that I still hold out hope for and why I didn't end my own existence a long time ago. Thank you for making life a little more bearable for an old war-dog like myself.
Now it's time to get back to work.
I'm so out of the loop as far as what is going in the world. It's going to take a few days to get caught up. If you've read the news on the site you'll see that I'm flying into Florida tomorrow to take care of my mothers cremation and her personal items. I'm having her ashes sent with me.
As I said a few days ago there are a lot of you who have been extremely kind and thoughtful to me through this. I shall not forget the thoughts and words of kindness. Just simple emails, phone calls and most of all the hugs mean more than you will ever know. My mother had many problems in her life but deep down she was warm and caring and loving when she was allowed to be. I'd like to think that some of that resides within me. In many ways I inherited a lot of her and that includes the good and the bad. She had some good friends who I will be meeting tomorrow who really cared a lot about her.
Yesterday before I went up to Milwaukee with Greg to hang out with and see MINISTRY I was waiting for the G man at a bar where a super sweet bartender named Dakota did her best to comfort me. I guess it was obvious that I was in another world. She will always be remembered for that. And last night Al's wife Angie was wonderful about it backstage as well.
The shows with MINISTRY in all of it's INSANITY before, during and after was the only thing that has kept me sane. Ironic don't you think.
Last night I got Rick Neilson from Cheap Trick to get on stage with MINISTRY and they played Supernaut together. It was a historical moment. Al was all hugs and said it was the best birthday he's ever had. He glowed and was thrilled, as were the rest of the band, especially Mikey.
I gotta say as cool as most of you have been there are still a few of you jerks who haven't learned that when you're cut off you're cut off. You did it to yourselves. I'm not going to be a pushover or allow myself to be used anymore. I've been wise to you for awhile, but I've only now opted option for my new attitude. I've not much of a heart left and what hasn't been unanesthetically ripped from me will be shared with others who are giving and understanding with me.
Here are a few images from the last few nights. Be prepared to see a massive gallery dedicated to MINISTRY and all the shenanigans related to them. See now why I was able to smile a little bit.
Thanks to everyone, and I mean everyone who have shared kind words with me during this very difficult week. My mother passed away at about 230PM CST.
I am going to Florida to take care of her remains in a few days.
Very early morning I spoke with Dr. Shah my mothers Neurologist. There is no improvement in my mothers state and I was told that it does not look good. not somethng they like to tell people. If anything she could be kept on life support but remain a vegetable for the rest of her days. I spoke to one aunt 3 times before the Dr called and once after, and spoke to another aunt in the afternoon. That is how my days have been all week, all day long. Doctors, nurses, and aunts.
Today I also spoke to Diana the nurse who is the case manager for my mother. She explained the DNR (Do Not Recessitate ) to me in detail I'm going to go ahead and instigate. It means if her heart stops and she has another heart attack to not recessitate her. after I talk to my mothers siblings tonight, I'm going to order the DNR. For now her heart is fine but any minute it could change.
I asked that she remain on life support a few more days at least till I can get there. I need to at least see my mother one more time before we say good-bye if that is the case. I cannot get to Florida till middle of next week, so there is a little more time.I have been informed that we should problem expect the worst.
So most likely if there is no brain activity by mid week I'm going to end the life support. The I have to go to her storage unit and her home and go through all of her personal property. I have no idea what to expect. I'm almost afraid of what I will find. She was alone and pretty much lost everything over the last few years. A far cry from when I went to live with her 20 years ago when she lived in the heart of the trendiest part of Dallas. But at least the last 2 years she seemed happy, sober (er) and at peace living out in the country far away from Dallas and a lot of bad memories.
This is very difficult for me and it pains me deeply. The worst part is she is in Florida and I'm in Chicago. As I said before nobody should never be faced with this choice. And I feel so alone here. So isolated. I've been getting emails and calls from the most unlikely people. Even Jesse Jane sent me an email of encouragement. Who would have though the fastest rising adult star would be reading Alex Zanders diary?. Other than rockers and a few others I can really call friends, nobody around me seems to understand or comprehend my plight. And it makes me feel more alone, just like my mother was when they found her 18 hours after her stroke and heart attack. However instead of drinking my pain away, I've been eating like a pig. It's the only way I can ease the pain a little, while I sit and wait for the next call.
At least I have some important work to do this weekend to occupy me.
I guess the email I got a few months ago was true, that people laugh at me behind my back and only talk to me when they want something or need to take advantage of my connections in the entertainment business. Cold words that I will never ever forget. But at least I can say they are connections that I ALONE earned.
That's where I'm at today. Anybody care to join me?
i know who my friends are and found that i have a few i didn't know about. i guess after years of watching out for people, the time has come to turn the tables. i never forget. ever.
i have no idea where i'm getting the strength to do handle this but i am. i suspect a lot of it is coming from you, the ones who care.
i'll be back when i can
i never want anyone to feel like this my throat burns my eyes burn and i cannot sleep
big bear hug - AZ
I've been on the phone to doctors and nurses all day. And my aunts over and over again. They even put the telephone to my mothers ear where she is in critical condition in Florida in hopes that my voice might get into her mind.
The only physical response she is showing is through pain stimulation on her left arm. Nothing else at all. The neurologist is telling me it does not look good. Her doctor told me there was a stroke, followed by a heart attack, and then after laying there alone for 18 hours massive cerebral bleeding from the stroke.
My aunts are all freaking out, and it's freaking me out. I have no choice but to go down to Florida and confront this head on and make my decision. The hospital told me that this is up to me. I asked them to keep her alive for a few days to see if there was any improvement at all. They said it was procedure and would not do anything without my permission. This is not something I look forward to. Nor the thought of having to tend to her personal belongings and property. She's too young and I'm too young. And she's a survivor, and somehow has always managed to pull her head above the water.
The last 2 years my mother and I were closer than ever. I remember the thrill a year ago driving through north central Texas and calling her saying I was in her state. And sending her postcards that amused her silly on my cross country trip. We were talking every Sunday, and her own health never came up. She asked me about mine and I explained my problems, and she assured me she was healthy and fine and just gained a little weight. She was quite into vanity being a former model and later on a beautician.
But the years prior were full of drama and turmoil. And had more up and downs than most mother - son relationships. But I always forgave and took her back into my life, becasue inside the real woman was a caring and loving and giving person.
I was closer to her sister who passed away several years ago, and even closer to her other sister in Ohio, and then another sister in Ohio and finally my aunt in Florida who had to be the bearer of bad news.
But this hurts nonetheless. And it's not any easier being that we've had an entire country separating us. There was always the phone and there was always the US Mail.
I'm not giving up home till the final ballot is cast. That's how I'm dealing this. They haven't said the point of no return and till then it's what I'm hanging on to.
I did not get any sleep last night. My aunts began calling me very early and I've talked with my mothers 3 surviving sisters today several times. One of them has retained an attorney and it does come down to me. I am not going to be rushed into making this decision at least till I give my mother a chance. It's only fair that if there is a 1% chance she can come to and use her brain, she is going to get that 1 % from me. I'm not sure what anyone would do for me or anyone else in this position but it is what i've decided to do. This is extremely hard, and it is killing me inside to have this responsibility.
Furthermore, someone who has been a very good friend to me for almost 10 years figured in his idiotic sense of reasoning to do a little speaking on my behalf to someone who I was once close to. This may very well destroy our friendship, because nobody ever speaks for me or on my behalf as long as I am alive. I cannot believe that someone could be so stupid and cruel and to use such harsh language on my behalf. Buddy you know who you are and this was a breach of trust and expressed noting except for really bad, and tasteless judgment. So, thanks a fucking lot for giving me more on top of this situation with my mother.
And for the rest of you, if anyone ever says anything to any of you, first of all you know if I had something to say, be it in poor taste of not, at least I'd have the balls to say it to your face. There is so much bullshit and drama that goes on in the circles I occasionally penetrate, it's a wonder I continue to associate myself with people. I've already cut my list of certain individuals and groups drastically it's a damn shame. I'm hearing this and that about me when I'm out and rumors abound. If you want to believe it, fine. Right now I'm not in the mood for any of it, and I certainly doubt I will when my dilemma is over. I've had more than enough of loss in my life this year, that this one is not one that I'm going to be able to brush off as easily as everything else. So if you want to be heartless and mean spirited assholes, go ahead. Just don't ever think about asking me for anything ever again, let alone a smile.
Not that is that. I have something serious to deal with here, a life. It is my decision and if you have any decency at all you will stay out of my affairs. If you don't well then I hope you are able to live with yourselves because someday it may be you laying there in a bed not able to communicate, and someone else will have to decide your fate. And it may very well rest on how you've you've played your cards in mankind.
And to my friend, you have no idea how betrayed I feel by your thoughtless act. To do something so heinous behind my back was wrong no matter what your intentions were. You were my favorite person of everyone I call a friend to spend my spare time with. I hope time will repair this damage. Since I am not in any state of mind to communicate with you other than the angry emails I sent earlier, this is it for now.- AZ
I am faced with what may be the hardest decision of my life and that is to decide if my own mother lives or dies. She's in a condition where she may be in a vegetable state for as long as they keep her alive. This has nothing to do with rock n roll, however, it's without a doubt going to affect my work within the industry this week, which is extremely busy, and overwhelming. How can it not affect my work. This is not a decision anyone should ever have to make, but I do know her well enough for what would be best for her.
I talk to her doctor tomorrow and then conference call with her living sisters and brother. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this burden. I never thought I'd ever be in this position.
I know tomorrow I'm drafting a living will. I suggest that anyone reading this who has not do the same so that your loved ones will never be in this situation.
Sorry to put this out there, but if we come into contact and I'm in another state of mind you should all know why.
Tonight Sinderella Pussie and Steve picked me up and we went to check out a new band that recently formed called Loophole. They've known them for awhile ad Steve being a light tech has known these guys for 20 years. I was seriously impressed. They were tight, and the songs had amazing hooks. The bass player Bazil goes on stage dressed as Michael Douglas's character in Falling Down. I really liked what I heard. Also the drummer for Poi Dog Pondering came in and we rapped. I mentioned how I've seen them a few times and once was New Years Eve opening for Cheap Trick and I thought they played too long. Weird how much respect I get from people within the biz who actually recon my skills and what I do as opposed to the fucks that are wanna-bes or has beens who talk shit. Someday I'm gonna quit being Mr Nice Guy. Yeah right, I say that all the time. It's so good to be around successful and creative people again. As much as it sucks I just feel as I get along better to a group of artists who contribute to the entertainment society as opposed to window dressing. There's a big difference between a band member asking me over and over again if I really think they're good enough as opposed to some one bragging, "We're the best, we're the shit, you gotta come see us, we rule, we'll blow you away." And oh yeah, I know the fucking difference.
We went over to Darkroom and I'm gong to start DJing there and Sinderella will bartend on my nights. The owner was extremely cool and the lace is very chic and artsy. I'm looking forward to the new atmosphere. I think I'm going to begin club spinning again. I'm a lil older and a lot more wiser and feel I can make better decisions and resist the temptations of the late late night. Who need whores when my creation brings me some of the most beautiful and "gifted" ladies in America. Besides. I've finally discovered the love of sleep appreciation.
I have one more leisure day left tomorrow and the Wednesday it's rocking time again. Sinderella and I are going to Die Warzau's studio and then to Liars Club. And then the MINISTRY countdown begins. Taylor Kennedy gets in Friday our BBQ is Saturday and then it's the Autumn of my life. Rock n Roll all the time. And just wait till you hear about Alc O Holiday and the 10 year MK anniversary shows. JUST YOU WAIT.
Taylor Kennedy Playmate and MK viXXXen
What a great weekend! Friday night I had dinner at The House Of Blues with Sharon and her sister Cathy. Sharon came in from Boston for her birthday, and she is a person I met on myspace. She's an artist who hand creates greeting cards from her home. This was the first time we met face to face and Grego was with me and we chilled out at the restaurant prior to heading up to Metro so see my friends in MARAZENE play for the first time in the world famous venue. In their 1/2 hour set they were at their peak and played the best show I've seen them do yet. And I was happy and proud of them at the same time.
It was a long night and Greg and I hung out till about four.
Saturday I met the ladies over at Street Side for a late dinner and then Sinderella and Steve met me and we all chilled before heading over to their friend Ceasers place. This was about the best time I'd had in months and I was around creative and like minded people. Before I knew it, it was daylight and my friends dropped me off and I slept till 1 PM for one of the first times in my life. Time flies!
Sunday Fred and I hung out at Street Side and goofed off with some friends till pretty late. Today I'm pretty tired and the weather change has caught to me along with my reaction to cigarette smoke. Congestion is an issue unfortunately.
This is the week and it's going to be really busy for MK schtuff preparing for the big MINISTRY concerts and surrounding events. I'm pretty psyched for it and Friday Playboy model Taylor Kennedy is coming to won for the entire weekend to do photo shoots for MK and that is a massive honor. We're having a BBQ for her on Saturday and I can't imagine how much fun that's going to be. I never thought I'd see the day that someone from PLAYBOY would be on the cover of MK. PLUS we also have Gauge coming in later this month. Yum!
So it's time to rool. As always thanks for dropping in and see you on the outside.