AZ's Diary of a Damned Man

The second set she did was awesome, I'll talk all about it and the heavy music they played that really freaked out the club tomorrow. I need to get some sleep cause I have a big day tomorrow with Seymour Butts, Showtime, and then have to go back out to Gauges hotel in the afternoon.

For the record she's the most entertaining feature and or dancer I've ever seen.

It was great spending time with Marc. It's been a long fucking time.

Hope you're all well.

Tomorrow at 1PM I am meeting the Showtime camera crew and producers of Family Business at a lunch with Seymour Butts that will be aired in January on the weekly cable show. And on Saturday I'm having dinner with Seymour and his fans at Al Dente Cafe which is being taped as will they Pimps And Ho's Ball at Transit Saturday night. So it will be MK in your face for those of you who subscribe to the Showtime Cable Network. I think we'll have a watching party at Tubby's 2 when the show airs next Jan. as long as it is not during AVN AEE which wouldn't make very much sense anyway.

Again onto Gauge, who I cannot say enough good things about. She's witty, can play goofy and be a pro all at the same time. Jason is a kick ass guy to and I really like getting to know him. It's only going to make the trip to Vegas all that much better when we get there as it get really cold here.

And I also want to thank my good friend Karlton for being so professional and not let Gauges nudity affect his work. He seemed comfortable and broght in teh gear and the lights and backdrops and got teh job done in about 3 hours. I thank Grego for the ride and Newbomb for dropping by. It's weird because after this summer the people who work at teh Embassy Suites seem to know us pretty well and went out of their way to greet us and make us feel comfortable in a place that is definitely a lot more Frank Lloyd Wright than I ever noticed before. Thanks to Jeff the bartender if he reads this ever. He invited us in for drinks so it seems he knows us pretty well.

Saturday my aunts and uncle are having a memorial for my mother. I wish I was not committed to work but she and they will all be in my thoughts and in my heart. As of today her ashes still have not arrived but I have a good feeling that they will arrive today or tomorrow. And as I mentioned her before I'm taking them to my favorite vortex high up in Sedona and spreading them there. It's the most beautiful thing I can think to do. Other than that my obligations continue as I have to take her death certificate into the Social Security office for filing. There sure is a lot involved when it comes to death. But I'm learning a lot and I'm looking at life a lot different these days than I did, say 6 months ago.

Gauge is on the radio right now on B 96.3 FM and is going to drop a few words about AZ and MK.

She's going to stay an extra 2 days so that she can attend the Pimp And Ho's Ball with us and she's even going to dinner w/ us and Seymour Butts on Sat afternoon. I'm pretty excited. So it looks like we'll be hanging out a lot more over the weekend. She wants me to come out to teh Admiral to see her tonight but I am wiped out. I may go for the hell of it anyway to show my support.

I will have a photo gallery of Gauge photos up VERY soon. Karlton took some amazing photos

See Gauge's journal here where she mentions hanging w/ AZ the other night www.ilovegauge.com/journal.php

Also see www.wildharedesigns.com/photos/pics.php?l=2004_1025-neoMondaysGauge&m= for all the images from NEO with Gauge.

That's it for now, much more later.

Phellon runs FDA Radio 365 days a years and the rest of the programming is his own. It was mighty generous of him to give us a slot every three hours. So check us out at least once a week. Please register and rate his station.

MK ULTRASOUND became an offspring of the critically acclaimed, independently published MK ULTRA Magazine, now titled MK Magazine,which Zander first published in 1995. The magazine's main focus is "dark" rock music, which had been given the gothic/industrial tag over the years, yet unlike other publications, MK Magazine has covered this genre with a sarcastic sense of humor, cleverly poking fun at the mainstream. The show featured Techno/Industrial rock music, exclusive recordings and in-studio interviews with various Industrial-geared rock music performers including guests from the bands Pigface, Sister Machine Gun, Ministry, Godhead, Electric Hellfire Club, Veruca Salt, Emeralde Fear, Chainsaw Johnny, Vampire and more. The station, which is headed by Scott Davidson, received the honor of Gavin's 1997 & 1998 ROCK STATION of the YEAR.

In September of 1999 host, Alex Zander, struck a deal with Loud Radio DJ and Program Director, Guy Giuliano, known to listeners as the G-Ster. The Chicago area produced went on the air in Sedona/Flagstaff, AZ on 101.1 FM KLOD Loud Radio, 88FM in Guam, DSL/Cable and overseas on SWRS in Europe. Loud Radio was at the time in the process of purchasing more radio properties and should have all of Phoenix and Tuscon by Y2K. Zander became familiar with the Loud Radio Network that May during a cross-country road trip. He knew when he woke up at 6 am while camping in the mountains of Flagstaff and hearing the station play Type O Negative and Rammstein that he had found a perfect outlet. The Loud Radio Network played MK ULTRASOUND from 9-10 PM on Sundays in the southwest.

So it became the MK ULTRASOUND Radio Network and when Loud Radio and was part of a radio merger into nationwide Syndication it took MK ULTRASOUND with it. Thus making it a nationally syndicated radio hour.

Shortly thereafter Zander dismissed original sidekick Chris Harris aka DJ ODD and teamed up with Mike "The Madman" Jakubow, as his co-host and associate producer to produce the program. It became a wild ride of mayhem from thereon. The chemistry between the two almost turned the show into a comedy hour with Zander playing the part of the "out of control rock maniac" and Jakubow as his "wise cracking straight man". Jakubow brought a new flavor to the show with spontaneous sound effects and samples catching his host off guard. The show remained syndicated nationwide through Spring of 2001.

Seemingly without warning late in 2000 Rebel Radios flagship station WJKL was sold and the rocking metal station moved to Northbrook IL onto 1240 and 1470 AM and MK ULTRA SOUND departed from Rebel. Through early 2001 MK ULTRASOUND remained on the LOUD RADIO until the network was acquired and disbanded in Spring of 2001.

In the end the show was broadcast by Zander and sidekick Phellon Bayle who now broadcasts the show online, and takes the old show into an all new realm.

Mike Jakubow is still a weekend DJ on Rebel Radio AM and works for Victory Records as a representative.

Some of the artists that we've played on the MK ULTRASOUND RADIO NETWORK include:
(this is by no mean a complete listing)

I spend so much time using this program that Kevin and LA Mark made for me and researching news and images every day that I dream about it. I am obsessed with getting this done everyday and I see the program in my sleep. Especially if I'm out of town or in an unexpected situation, such as my mother dying or a relationship gone sour, and I cannot update this thing. But I have to admit it's better than waiting around for someone else to do it after I've done all of the research. And I can actually check my email and update the site now from any location in the world where I can get online.

So that's it for now.

Did anyone see how coked up Tommy Lee was on Letterman last night? My phone rang 2X with people asking if I noticed. It was good for a laugh. I wonder if Fayner caught it? But funniest was those kids in Halloween costumes. I loved the little Courtney Love, and though that before he even said it's who it was supposed to be.

Well it looks like I have Halloween plans afterall. And for the first time I'll be dressed as a pimp. WTF, isn't that pretty much what I am anyway? How cheesy? But I gotta play by the rules.

Halloween Costumes of the past:

Last night was interesting. I met Greg, Mike J from Victory Records, and Moe from Interscope down at the spectacular Sofitel Hotel downtown for another Johnny Walker Journey of Taste Event. It felt like High School because there was plenty of Beavis And Butthead humor abound. I was almost in tears at one point. Moe looked like a cross between Scott Weiland and John Lydon. It felt good to laugh, really good. Afterwards we sat in the lobby for a bit on the plush sofas people watching and said our, see you next times. Grego and I dropped by Kelsey's for wings and then met Kevin over at Darkroom where it was packed and a very shitty band was playing. So we crossed the street to Tumans for a quickie giving the band enough time to wrap it up and had one more at Darkroom and went home.

I'm still going through all of my mail. It's been a week since I checked it and a lot came and a lot of DVD's if you know what I mean. There was so much I had to get a box to take my mail home in. So I have to get around that as well as meet Kevin to go up and work on Marcia's PC. So I'm going to be pretty busy and then it's off to Tubby's.

I interview Roxy Saint (YUM) Tuesday and then getting my SKINNY PUPPY tattoo redone like the image below and then getting my sleeve started. My right arm is going to be aflame with many colors. So I have something to be excited about but don't know which the most, Gauge, Roxy, or the tattoo.

And as if all of the unpredictable occurrences had never happened, at the last minute the space we were suppose to use fell though and I had less than one day to acquire another and get the gear there. Well with the help of Yvette Ulrich my photographer friend in LA if all came together. We got a Marshall stack which is a company that endorses Ron, Sabian cymbals for Dan who he is endorsed by and even a drum, as well as a make up and hair stylist. So with that done we qwoudl be able to enjoy one night togther.

We checked the boys into their room at the DAYS INN (not the one that smells like Caribbean Jerk Sauce) and walked to Ranallis for dinner and football. After we ate our massive entrees filling our now unvacant guts we mossied over to the bar where Dan and Ron could smoke and catch the end of the game. We noticed a couple of attractive females at the other end who had been staring at us since we entered. Now after about 45 minutes I said to Dan, "Why don't they just come over and ask who we are? " And a minute later, almost on cue the blonde yells out, "Is your name Alex?" I went over and found that it was Bree (Butterburger) from myspace someone who I began communicating with regarding bars in NYC to visit on her birthday. Ironically, the Butterburger became a big joke with me an my cohorts on our last camping extravaganza. I was humored when I said to Dan and Ron, "Jesus, you guys are the famous people, why was I the one recognized." To which Ron replied, "You're more famous than everybody."

So we hung out with them for awhile and laughed it up prior to cabbing across town. They were very cool and went up and bought the last copies of MK left at Tower Records. I'm sure they're tainted now.

Afterwards we cabbed over to Street Side where we waited for Dietrich Thrall who really came through for us in getting the final pieces together for the video as well as filling in on bass. It is also likely that Dietrich and Dan will be Ron's touring band.

Later on my friend Linda from Indianapolis who I've known since 1989 showed up and it was the first time I had seen her in just over 4 years. She looked great and planned to stay for a couple days. But as I've always found no matter where I bring a pretty gal that nobody I know has ever seen whether they have girlfriends, wives or fiancés the dog in them immediately comes out. I will not name the two fellas out of respect, but I will say that it drastically changes my feeling of trust in them. And Linda isn't the kind of lady who goes around wanting attraction, in fact, over all she's pretty anti-social, by her own admission. I always thought of her as more of a hermit.

Somehow we all made it out and I wasn't even in Linda's car one-minute when my cell phone rang and it was one of the guys I had just mentioned, and he called repeatedly for the next 5 minutes, something that he has made a trend as of late. Dietrich took the band out to eat an early breakfast and I tried to get to sleep as Linda kept making me laugh. Something that was actually pretty nice after the past few weeks.

We woke up Monday went to the Golden Nugget to meet the guys and arrived early afternoon at the warehouse in Lincoln Park where the shoot would take place. Everything went perfectly. And as I've said before there is something refreshing about working with pros as opposed to wannabes something that I'll never do again, and why should I. And the entire performance only took a little over 90-minutes to capture and with the load in and out load we were done in around 4 hours all total. Paul Baio was great and we all ended up at NEO for Metal Night where we were treated very well.

The next morning Blabbermouth had already picked up on the video shoot and posted the photos, which is a good thing. I had received and Kevin posted the MINISTRY concert and backstage party photos and I got an email from the band saying they are using the pix fro the upcoming MINISTRY DVD. I had the $5 pizza over at Kelsey's and Dakota took really good care of us as always.Tuesday night we had some last minute business to take care of and after the stresses had passed, Linda, Greg and I went to NEO where I danced my ass off into a sweaty mess for the first time in many years.

Wednesday I said goodbyes and tried to rest all day. I met Paul for wings and got to bed pretty early. It wasn't as easy to sleep as I had hoped, too much on my mind, too may emails to return and very big week coming up.

I got invited to Seymour Butts Pimps and Ho's party this weekend, which is being filmed for his TV Show Family Business, and Gauge gets to town on Sunday so we have a pretty busy week lined up. And for the first time in my life I do not have concrete plans for Halloween. Not even a costume idea. That just goes to verify my state of mind, I don't even think I'll be able to have fun on my favorite holiday.

Love and respect and all due to the kids at 1930 N Seminary!

And I had to hear the same thing from some people at the MINISTRY concerts which doesn't surprise me at all. However to hear it from a family member who I met for the first time in my 39 years of life and it involves the illness and death of my mother is fucking cold. And nothing short of slander.

My aunt dropped me off and I went to my room where I looked around for a place to have a drink to calm my nerves. So I went next door to a Cabaret called Christina's only charged a $7 cover and had killer drink specials. It turns out that the bartender and the bar back are both friends of my good friend Steve. So they both had my back. And they earned a hefty tip. I also was greeted by to extremely thin women who were deaf-mutes and communicated with me via pen and paper. I must say that was a first.

The next morning I packed an called a friend of my Uncles named Harold who offered to drive me all over that part of Florida to try to take care of my mothers business. But that was only after eating a nasty breakfast at Waffle House. Sadly it was the closest place to eat.

The first place we went to was the funeral home where I needed to sign all of the paper work to cremate my mother. The owner of the funeral home Tom Dobies was great and made the experience very easy on me. He even attempted to slip in a little humor. If there is any humor about this it's that Dobie was the name my mother called me for the first 5 years of my life and even occasionally dropped it in over the years as she had a hard time referring to me as Alex. "So mother, I think I got your message."

I half expected to come home with her remains but was told they will be shipped to me encased in an urn within 10 days. Now I have to take care of her death certificate and file it at the social security office. I got the go ahead from her sisters to take her ashes to Sedona next year and leave her ashes at a vortex which is one of the most beautiful places, in the most beautiful city I've ever been.

I also had my mothers eyes donated to a local eye bank. So she was able to help someone in her passing. And for those of you who wonder, she had just turned 59 in July.

Next we needed to go over to the public storage where my mothers entire property was packed. I was told she didn't have much but when her last companion Jim was kind enough to meet me and give me the key. I was about to be shocked but I should have known better. The place was packed as high as it was deep and there was no way I would be able to go through it in a day, let alone a few hours. So I went to the office and paid up the rent for another month and called my Uncle in Michigan to make other arrangements about getting the property. She had enough to fill at least a 1 bedroom apartment and all of it was fairly new. And I found a stack of photos she had together that I sent her of me and a former companion on a cross country road trip. And I know that when my mother passed, she went away thinking I was still happy and in love. And I'm glad she never had to know the truth. My happiness made her happy.

The most painful part of this was going through her purse. It literally tore me up and my eyes burned as I fought back the tears. But the big Whammy was about to hit me. A certain family member took $300 dollars out of my mothers wallet and swore to put it back. When I called to inquire I was told I'd have to wait a month since it was obviously spent. Can you imagine the cold anger that boiled my blood at this moment? Can anyone imagine how low of a deed this is and to take money from a woman's wallet who wasn't even dead yet is to me, especially when it was my mother? I was blind-sided for the second time on this trip. Deceived.

We then drove over to another town where the country club was that my mother worked for. In the corner there were flowers, the only memorial to a wonderful woman who everyone loved existed on the Florida coast. Her friend and co-worker Dolly and the manager Steve were great and they had a lot of really nice things to say about my mother who they dubbed Designer Julie ( which was also on the card in the flowers), and they told me of how she was always smiling and how she made everyone laugh. Dolly had spent my mothers last days by her side by telling the hospital that she was her niece. And I was also blind-sided a third time when I found out the family member who I mentioned earlier had asked for my mothers purse before she even saw her in the hospital. I was deeply hurt but now it was more of a numbing pain. The kind where the last part of any heart you have left dies. I got my mothers last paycheck, cashed it and used it to pay rent on the storage unit so her things will be safe till I can get back down there and take care of it. And the one heartwarming thing her coworkers did was save my mothers last nights tips and gave it to me. So many other places wouldn't have even mentioned it. I was assured she was loved though she only knew these people for her last 3 months on earth.

Harold drove me to the airport where I sat for 6 hours alone rather than spend a minute looking into the face of the person who took money from a dying woman. And I sat there and pondered everything about my life. Why are people so fucking cruel? My voice was hoarse from the last few nights of pain. Why do people feel the need to hurt me in my weakest moments? Why knock a man down, over and over when he's down and out? And why do I let it bother me? And I can only deduct that it's because I am capable of feeling and no mater how much I try to shut it off I am only a man. One man.

But I do know there are good people out there such a Harold who never knew of me till a couple days before I went to Florida. Like Dolly and Steve and the people who so cared about my mother and only knew of my existence through photographs. Like Jim, the man who held the key to the storage unit and drove there to give it to a man he never knew till that moment. My best friend Greg and my best friend from high school Kevin who I haven't seen since graduation and calls to check in on me. And like Steve and Sinderella who left me messages saying they care and are there for me. And like Angie and Al of MINISTRY who emailed their condolences, and Jim Marcus and the countless others who did the same. Porn stars who I've only met briefly and mad laugh or smile. And people I don't even know who read this website and my magazine. It's people like you who don't come here to read about my decadence, or to poke fun at me while masquerading as fair weather friends in my face. People who don't even know me, but I have somehow touched in some way through the internet or an MK related event and made smile. It's because of people like you that I still hold out hope for and why I didn't end my own existence a long time ago. Thank you for making life a little more bearable for an old war-dog like myself.

The only physical response she is showing is through pain stimulation on her left arm. Nothing else at all. The neurologist is telling me it does not look good. Her doctor told me there was a stroke, followed by a heart attack, and then after laying there alone for 18 hours massive cerebral bleeding from the stroke.

My aunts are all freaking out, and it's freaking me out. I have no choice but to go down to Florida and confront this head on and make my decision. The hospital told me that this is up to me. I asked them to keep her alive for a few days to see if there was any improvement at all. They said it was procedure and would not do anything without my permission. This is not something I look forward to. Nor the thought of having to tend to her personal belongings and property. She's too young and I'm too young. And she's a survivor, and somehow has always managed to pull her head above the water.

The last 2 years my mother and I were closer than ever. I remember the thrill a year ago driving through north central Texas and calling her saying I was in her state. And sending her postcards that amused her silly on my cross country trip. We were talking every Sunday, and her own health never came up. She asked me about mine and I explained my problems, and she assured me she was healthy and fine and just gained a little weight. She was quite into vanity being a former model and later on a beautician.

But the years prior were full of drama and turmoil. And had more up and downs than most mother - son relationships. But I always forgave and took her back into my life, becasue inside the real woman was a caring and loving and giving person.

I was closer to her sister who passed away several years ago, and even closer to her other sister in Ohio, and then another sister in Ohio and finally my aunt in Florida who had to be the bearer of bad news.

But this hurts nonetheless. And it's not any easier being that we've had an entire country separating us. There was always the phone and there was always the US Mail.

Furthermore, someone who has been a very good friend to me for almost 10 years figured in his idiotic sense of reasoning to do a little speaking on my behalf to someone who I was once close to. This may very well destroy our friendship, because nobody ever speaks for me or on my behalf as long as I am alive. I cannot believe that someone could be so stupid and cruel and to use such harsh language on my behalf. Buddy you know who you are and this was a breach of trust and expressed noting except for really bad, and tasteless judgment. So, thanks a fucking lot for giving me more on top of this situation with my mother.

And for the rest of you, if anyone ever says anything to any of you, first of all you know if I had something to say, be it in poor taste of not, at least I'd have the balls to say it to your face. There is so much bullshit and drama that goes on in the circles I occasionally penetrate, it's a wonder I continue to associate myself with people. I've already cut my list of certain individuals and groups drastically it's a damn shame. I'm hearing this and that about me when I'm out and rumors abound. If you want to believe it, fine. Right now I'm not in the mood for any of it, and I certainly doubt I will when my dilemma is over. I've had more than enough of loss in my life this year, that this one is not one that I'm going to be able to brush off as easily as everything else. So if you want to be heartless and mean spirited assholes, go ahead. Just don't ever think about asking me for anything ever again, let alone a smile.

Not that is that. I have something serious to deal with here, a life. It is my decision and if you have any decency at all you will stay out of my affairs. If you don't well then I hope you are able to live with yourselves because someday it may be you laying there in a bed not able to communicate, and someone else will have to decide your fate. And it may very well rest on how you've you've played your cards in mankind.

I talk to her doctor tomorrow and then conference call with her living sisters and brother. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this burden. I never thought I'd ever be in this position.

I know tomorrow I'm drafting a living will. I suggest that anyone reading this who has not do the same so that your loved ones will never be in this situation.

Sorry to put this out there, but if we come into contact and I'm in another state of mind you should all know why.

I have one more leisure day left tomorrow and the Wednesday it's rocking time again. Sinderella and I are going to Die Warzau's studio and then to Liars Club. And then the MINISTRY countdown begins. Taylor Kennedy gets in Friday our BBQ is Saturday and then it's the Autumn of my life. Rock n Roll all the time. And just wait till you hear about Alc O Holiday and the 10 year MK anniversary shows. JUST YOU WAIT.

Saturday I met the ladies over at Street Side for a late dinner and then Sinderella and Steve met me and we all chilled before heading over to their friend Ceasers place. This was about the best time I'd had in months and I was around creative and like minded people. Before I knew it, it was daylight and my friends dropped me off and I slept till 1 PM for one of the first times in my life. Time flies!

Sunday Fred and I hung out at Street Side and goofed off with some friends till pretty late. Today I'm pretty tired and the weather change has caught to me along with my reaction to cigarette smoke. Congestion is an issue unfortunately.

This is the week and it's going to be really busy for MK schtuff preparing for the big MINISTRY concerts and surrounding events. I'm pretty psyched for it and Friday Playboy model Taylor Kennedy is coming to won for the entire weekend to do photo shoots for MK and that is a massive honor. We're having a BBQ for her on Saturday and I can't imagine how much fun that's going to be. I never thought I'd see the day that someone from PLAYBOY would be on the cover of MK. PLUS we also have Gauge coming in later this month. Yum!