What's the best way to wrap up a wicked weekend/ Waking up and getting an email from Missy Monroe isn't too bad. And that's what I rolled out of sleep to see.
Okay how do I recap and why do I even bother sharing the raunchy details. Because you live your life vicariously through me? Or because you can't mind your own business? Hmmmmm.
So Friday I met Kelly at one of her jobs downtown and other than being horrified at all the tourists on Michigan Ave I got to see my ill blondie in action. And then we took the bus to her friend Alex's house where this guy made one of the BEST dinners I've ever had. I couldn't believe it. I have no idea how one guy did so much in one day. I'd never met him before but he made a great impression. There was another Alex there as well so there were 3 Alex's all total. Weird. Kelly and I put a nice dent in the bottle of white Rum we were offered and we stayed till about 11 and then went to meet her cute little friend at a club called Tattoo on Fullerton. M I S TA K E !
On the bus I couldn't believe what I beheld. There was a single mother with her six kids all under the age of I would say 8. And the youngest baby is in a stroller ands they are literally force feeding her CHEETOS. I about died. I can't believe I didn't lose it and crack up in a raging for of maniacal laughter. I don't even think the little girl was old enough to consume solid food. But she was sucking away on a Cheeto like it was a pacifier. Then the child drops it on the filthy floor and the oldest son picks it up off the filth and puts it back in the babies mouth. I was horrified.
What had been the perfect evening was about to become UGLY!
First of all this was not my crowd. They fit into my world about as much as I fit into theirs. So it was not a good match and I had a bad feeling upon entering this place. Kelly got carded of course and when I'm w/ her I get carded as well. Feels good. And the door guy was nice enough but the same can't be said for the patrons. Guys had been eyeballing Kelly all day and I was flattered. It's like, "Look all you want buddy, but she's on my arm pal". But I draw the line when someone sooo disrespects my date and I that they feel the nee to touch. And these assholes were that type. And I've never EVER had to deal with a situation like this. We walked to the back looking for her hot lil friend and back out towards the door. As we got near the exit this fuckhead comes up to Kelly as she's holding my hand, grabs her and says Baby you're hot. She shoves him off and I say EXCUSE ME. And he says FUCK YOU.
Well my first instinct was to clock his jaw even though he could have easily beat me down. But I used good judgment and walked away for several reasons #1 I would have been thumped by about 20 Frat Brats. And then I would have been out in the street and the Cops would have taken me to jail, and that wasn't happening. I was steaming though and walked out of that place not believing what had occurred. Kelly had tears in her eyes, her friend finds us in the street and all I wanted to do was get as far away from there as possible.
So we walked all the way down Fullerton to Dominick's where Kelly picked out a supersized bottle of Capt Morgan and we went to her place where the party really began.
When We awoke I was still in a shitty mood about what occurred the evening before. I really had never had to deal with an idiot like that. Kelly can't help how she looks but at least her reaction was more than I could ask for. I've been in similar situations where the "girl" gets off on the attention. So like a runaway bride she ran off to work and I sat there playing with her kitty and was pulling myself together to go home. Minutes later she walks back in, tells me she was told to come in late and we were off walking around Boystown looking for a place to eat. And this wasn't easy cause Kelly was having one of her cravings for Bloody Mary's again. So the Cub fans were getting wound up for a noon game and we find ourselves at The Twisted Spoke. Now this reeks of significance because almost one year to the date was the last time I ate at a Twisted Spoke. And the experience was horrific. And it wasn't due to poor service or poor food quality but it was the start of a day that would forever change my life for the worse. But this time is different and this chick can throw back the booze without metamorphosing into a raving lunatic. And that for me is a true pleasure.
So we pigged out and I saw that they had Makers on tap and also a bottle of Makers Black Label which I'd never and still haven't had. Not that I won't soon enough. So all was right with the world till we got in a cab and the asshole played the game where he pretended not to understand English. And was making wrong turns onto one way streets, in Cubs traffic in Wrigleyville thus running up the fare.. Well Kelly wasn't putting up with it and she let him have it. I can't believe me the "taxi cab terrorist" didn't come out. But I was saving it for a another day in the not too distant future.
So I was off for home and she was off for work for a second time this very same day and I spent the whole day B O R E D! And it ws going to turn sour fast.
At 630 I met her at the train station and we walked up to her place finished the Twisted Spoke leftovers and polished off the rest of the Rum. M I S T A K E! it hit me HARD and we headed off to the Bottom Lounge for the Thanatos reunion show and to see Bella Luna. Well we saw Bella Luna, I saw a lot of old friends and fell off a stool. This was the first time I had been like this in public. It was bad. I was a wreck and Kelly made the right call and got me out of there and into a cab. Thus missing Thanatos.
Well Kelly tells the cabbie to make a right 3 times and he turns left. Well I let him have it worse than any other cab driver in my life. He stops in the middle of the intersection and throws us out as I'm continuing to spew a long line of obscenities. We get to her place and when I finally calmed down was out cold.
Thus it's Memorial Day and I was dead set on making up for last year when I was alone with Greg at Street Side cafe all day and ended up getting thrown out of Heavenly Bodies for "supposedly" laughing at the girls. So the day turned out to be the longest fucking day of my entire life. And she experienced the same. And I had put together an impromptu BBQ. I asked a small number of people to each bring something for the grill and something to drink. And around 6ish I get a text message saying she's 11 minutes away. So like a 15 year old boy in the midst of his first crush I stood out on the sidewalk and caught a glimpse of a hot little blonde in a tight and short skirt riding high on her perfect little legs. And she's carrying bags of food and coming my way. Unable to wait I walked away from the house over to her, took two of the bags and a great evening was about to begin.
By Dawn we had fired up the grill and were cooking brats, burgers and hot dogs and drinking and laughing and all having a wonderful evening which more than made up for 1 year ago at the same time. I made some new friends trough Kelly and a cool mofo I met on myspace and we all laughed about perverted things, someone got a BJ (not me) and I had successfully hosted my first BBQ of the year. And as odd as it my seem this was the first I had used my grill in an entire year.
I also showed off the episode of Family Business I was on a few weeks ago and everyone got a good laugh. And I am flattered everytime I hear Seymore (Adam) say it was his favorite interview of his trip to Chicago.
Then I wake up to an email from my favorite porn star Missy Monroe only to have it topped by the following email I got early this morning.
"Dear Dr. Zander
I have many cavities and I hope that you can fill them all for me with out to many problems. You are the greatest dentist and I'm sure you get many recommendations and referrals from other patients. I also believe that I grind too much, especially at night. Please get back to me so I can make an appointment with you"
So I feel inspired. At the least.
To be continued. So much to say. Till then enjoy this picture of Missy Monroe.
Where to begin. Lets just say it was the bottle of Makers Mark that Grego dropped by with at 730 Thursday night before the I LOVE RICH show. I had every intention of getting my O on and it indeed creeped out of me. And then seemingly from out of nowhere Kelly shows up. And Greg laughs looks at me and says BACK DOOR MAN. Good call. Then there were 3 and this girl is capable of earning an O of her own I would be quick to learn. But you've got to earn you're own, you just can't claim it. And though we considered doing so, she hasn't quite yet been awarded the infamous O.
We got to the Abbey Pub at about 915 and we already had our attitudes on. With flasks of Makers Mark in tow and being greeting by my tall Native American friend Joel we soon had rounds of 1/2 prices drinks flowing through us as well. And that's all it took.
Soon it was a huge reunion. Dave D'Eath an old friend and part time rock star arrived, Marc popped in, then I met Kimberly in person who may be helping with MK this week. All in all it was looking to be an awesome night. I LOVE RICH took the stage right about 10PM and were better than ever. I mean, how can a band as good as these guys top themselves time and time again. And it was nice to see them in this venue The Abbey Pub. At one point Kelly tried to persuade me into the ladies room and that's when I heard a dedication go out to me. As always it was "Hot Chocolate" the ILR version of "Brown Sugar" meets "Black Diamond". And I ran back out onto the floor and sang along.
Afterwards a lot of us hung out in the bands room drinking and goofing off when security came down and said someone was looking for me. I told him to let them come on down. It was Jennifer my long lost friend. And I gave her the biggest bear hug I've given to anyone in my life and I was almost in tears because I've missed her so badly. And that's when the ball started rolling. I know Marc shot a lot of photos and there's a really good one which you've all seen by now of what is now referred to as Makers Mouth. Which is when my Makers Mark coated tongue touches the tongue of a member of the fairer sex. I look devious as always but the girls always come off as hot. This has somehow come to replace the ol she gives AZ a kiss on the cheek which most likely leads to me walking around with a lip print on my cheek. It's a sweet kiss, but the Makers Mouth is nasty and that's what gets my goat. This particular shot of Kelly is my favorite to date.
So we finally got run out of the dressing room and Grego and I with Kelly in tow hit Ranalli's where Tony bought me 2 1/2 yards at once, Kelly had two Jack and Cokes and two appetizers and Grego worked on a HUGE Panzerottti and a J&D or 2 of his own.
Next thing I know it's 6AM as my alarm goes off and we're set to be at the Shedds Aquarium at 9AM to which Dave D'eath was kind enough to give us comp tickets for. But I was expecting 2 very important checks to arrive and we put it off till the mail came, which didn't and that was fucked up and I was getting stressed. usually the mail arrives here religiously between 11 AM and Noon and I was bragging the day before about how I've been getting the best residential Mail service since living in Chicago going on 7 years now.
So I'm waiting and I'm stressing and Kelly is getting hungry and wants a Bloody Mary. Yup she passed out here too as you can tell. So we walk to this awesome German restaurant which was kick ass and they had the most wonderful Bloody Mary's made from scratch this side of Wishbone. But we were about to find out this place was pricey and it was, but well worth it and the service was impeccable. And above all, very friendly in that Eastern Euro/German sort of way. (not quite as chipper as the waitress at El Mariachi the Sunday before) We had beer with our lunch, finished and walked back to find my mail hadn't arrived. I asked a neighbor and she said the mail was delivered earlier. No checks and I was WTF but Kelly kept me calm.
She picked up a case of MGD and we sat and watched DVD's all afternoon and at 630PM the door bell rings. IT'S UPS with my checks. And the lady even asked if I was surprised it came so late in the day. Well you're fucking right I was surprised. Maybe not as surprised as she was if in fact she may have noticed the tent I had been pitching.
5 1/2 hours later it's midnight and we're sitting at White Castle working on 20 cheesebooigas. I think I fell asleep around 3 AM, or sometime after that and the next thing I know I'm eating breakfast at the Twisted Spoke and drinking there less than impressive Bloody Mary's. And the horror of it was that there was noon Cubs game and these clowns were already getting a head start on their drinking and becoming obnoxiously LOUD! Then her cell rings. It's a private # and she answers and the voice on the other line turned out to be Dietrich of MARAZENE, and she's asking something to the effect to "Which Alex? and it turns out he saw our photo of Makers Mouth online and she puts me on the horn with him. Sure doesn't take long does it?
So we finish up and the soon to surely be dubbed Oh Kelly heads off to work and I go out about my business.
And if all this weren't good enough among the stack of porn that arrived today is the new Missy Monroe DVD. Now That's HOT!
Tonight is dinner at another Alex's haus and after that, well who knows, only fate knows for certain.
Screw you guys. I'm going home!
What is it about the streets of Chicago being littered with empty 99 cent Cheeto bags and just "exactly" what kind of person or people if I may, would be so lazy and disrespectful not to toss them in the trash or hold onto the empty bag till they got home. I'm tired of it. Every street I walk on 99 cent Cheetos bags at least 2 or there if not MORE on every block.
Damn yous litterin foos.
And isn't it coincidental that it only seems to be "mostly" Cheeos bags laying on the sidewalks or in some poor SOB's yard to pick up. Not that Cheetos are the only trash laying about but they certainly seem to be the most indulged by suck littering bungholes.
I'm willing to bet that on any afternoon in this city within 8 hours I could bring home 30-40 of this empty garbage. AT THE LEAST!
Okay I'm done bitching. Next week. Orange Crush cans.
Taking my meds but my BP is at am all time high. It's un fucking believable. The stress in my life is like never before and there's only one thing I look forward to. I missed Happy's Human Pincushion show on Friday and Sunday I missed the Pigface Sunday night show the last of a tour that I sponsored. I cannot believe I felt like this. It was much worse than the panic attacks I felt I was having last May and June.
Saturday I woke up to the sounds of some rare Type O music which brought me back down a little bit. Then went for alate Mexican lunch.
Sunday I did have some killer Mexican grub at El Mariachi's and a lot of relaxation. But how can one relax with a billion things going on in his head and trying to catch up on work that I only have a handful of people helping me out with. And I don't know whether certain people who pretend to be my friends are my friends or not. I have learned not to trust so easily.
Though with the Full Moon high in the Sunday sky a beautiful moment was upon me. And some peace I did obtain. I do believe the power of the moon had a lot to do with what entailed.
Somehow I will manage to get through. How much harder can it be than last year, 'eh
Oh well I know that's not very rock n roll but damn woman space is one cold motherfucker. And there are a LOT of assholes out there that need to get a life.
See you soon.
If you haven't seen the Clown Porn myspace site check it out www.myspace.com/16604208
With my stress level and blood pressure shooting through the roof I am back with you true believers. Sorry for my disappearing act but many things beyond my control, as always have prevented me from bringing you my regular updates. With that I apologize. Butt I am back in the groove and ready to rock n roll baby!
But damn woman space is one cold motherfucker. I almost froze my fucking nuts off.
Things have been a little nutty and a little subdued in the Land O Zander. As usual some things have been very bad and other have not been better.
Mid week I went to sleep a bit earlier than usual and was awaken to find my ol pal Dale and his wife Elizabeth at my door. I forgot they were coming and we had some small talk and we all went to sleep. They came in from Iowa for The New York Dolls and Peter Murphy shows and as is traditional over the past 6 years he crashes with me whenever he's in town. But I am always rewarded with laugher and good eats. We ate at a lil Mexican place by me on Thursday and Friday we went up to Devon for some Indian cuisine buffet style. I can only say that I had a bit too much Tendori chicken.They also brought me a wonderful bottle of Rum from Puerto Rico that left a rather lasting impression.
Went to Ranallis on Thursday and put a few new people in the Beer Mafia and then went to Tuscany and another bar next to it that I don't recall what it was called. But I was a weird and wild night. And I think I made some new friends.
As crazy as things are I have found a little haven of happiness here and hope to be planning a camping trip in the next few weeks.
Other than that be looking for a link to a new myspace fan page I'm creating for Clown Porn. It's some twisted stuff and the most bizarre thing I've ever cum across.
But in the end, space is a cold mother fucker.
Thanks Blue. To everyone else I will be in touch today.
I dedicate this entry to Machine Gun Kelly. HEY YOU GUYS!
So last Wednesday night Grego and I went to see garbage at Metro. It was sold out of course and the smallest venue I've seen the band in since the first time I saw them in 1995. Prior to the show we met up with the band downstairs in Smart bar, they seemed sincerely happy to see me again and we the best. And I got 2 enormous hugs from Shirley and she said to me, "The Red Head Is Not Dead", which is a reference to a gift I sent her after we first met an entire decade ago. I was smitten. It was flattering that she remembered.
The whole band looked as good as ever. I met them 10 years ago and they all looked as good as they did a decade ago. I wish I could say the same of myself. and Miss Manson, is just the hottest woman in music. Sorry Tairrie you're # 2 though.
Sonically the band was amazing. Peak performance and they played many of their hits and I actually squeezed up front. I never go on the floor except for MINISTRY at times and The Cult, but nothing was keeping me away from as close as I could get to one of my favorite acts.
After the show we went to Ranalli's then the G man talked me into going to Heavenly Bodies where I was surprised to see Adora waiting tables. Wish she was dancing but it ain't happening. It was still very nice to run into her.
I spent the weekend with Jennifer and it was certainly a porn enhanced weekend as well as wine enhanced. We drank from Crunk Cups, it was hilarious. Just stupit.
As I mentioned mothers Day was hard and I want to share my appreciation with all of my friends who wrote words of kindness. It's been a really hard year for AZ and I've hurt in more ways that I could ever explain but a lot of good people have been there for me. To shoot a few props out to Grego, Gina Black, Newbomb, jSIN, Kevin, Afra, K Rawk, Ron Marks, SuZn, Paul "Rocky Balboner" B. Tairrie B and both Jens, Tairrie B, Angie, Angie and Al J, 3 Kelly's, Kris, all the porn stars and rock stars that helped me through the year with simple acts of kindness, Gauge, Carly, Sinderella, the awesome family who took me in on Xmas night and the Turks who took me in on Thanksgiving and X Mas day, and my little brother Blue who I miss more and more everyday. I'm sorry for those of you I forgot and fuck you to all the people who have nothing better to do with their lives than deliver me grief. Get on with your lives please. I think I've suffered enough and had enough loss after this long hard year.
And to you who slapped me that night. I hope to see you again cuteness.
Miss you mom.
Or Butts Plugged?
Well it seems that episode 8 of season 3 of FAMILY BUSINESS will finally air this Saturday night. I was a bit shocked that I was included in the review which is posted at www.sho.com/site/fbiz/home.do
As I mentioned they shot us ( Greg and myself) with Adam (Seymore) and Mirna (Mariposa) having lunch at Ranalli's 2301 N. Clark . The following day they filmed up having dinner at Al Dente' 1615 N. Clybourn Ave. And that evening they shot us till the wee hours of the morning at TRANSIT 1431 W. Lake St partying the night away at Brad Altman's Pimps and Ho's ball.
I'm not sure in what sequence they will show the order of events but it should be pretty good. I know the show is hilarious. Above all it was an experience that really showed me the inside of the "other Hollywood" and I don't mean porn, I mean reality TV which is something I loathe. However with a mix of sex, porn, romance and no holds barred comedy, Family Business is one show I endorse and enjoy.
The episode is titled Cocktoberfest and you can view the preview on programs official site here: www.sho.com/site/fbiz/home.do
Other than that I can't say enough about how fucking shitty the weather is here. Saturday it snowed a little and today May 3 it's only 41 degrees. And in the midst of it I got sick again and spent the weekend with the worst sore throat. Yesterday I was horrible. Even on more of a downer note, we haven't been smacked with our spring rain yet which means that I feel that it will hammer us through June. So that means camping will be delayed this summer.
Last Saturday I did get to catch the show at the Note with Grigori 3, Marazene and Lock Jaw. A killer bill but the technical difficulties prevented Marazene from getting past their first song. It was still great to be around so many great friends and talented people.
If you're interested check us out on Showtime this weekend if you have it. You're sure to be a fan of the show if you've yet to see it. I'm going to try and get better today.