Santanico Pandemonium

Directed by: Gilberto Martinez Solares

Starring: Cecilia Pezet, Enrique Rocha, Delia Magana, Veronica Avila, Sandra Torres

90 minutes / color

1973

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3 stars

The Devil visits a convent and commences to poison the mind of Sister Maria with devious sexual thoughts and unthinkable desires. Maria is apparently weak-willed and soon clothes are coming off and we have lots of naked women and lots of naked men. Strangely, everyone in this village appears to be a prude, as all of Maria’s sexual advances are promptly declined; out of frustration, the good Sister violently murders her would-be-confidants. Just to make sure that the exploitation quotient is running on high, the film makers also threw in some whippings, self mutilation, Christian sacrilege, repentance, blood, torture and gore.

Gilberto Martinez Solares’ “Satanico Pandemonium” has the most dubious distinction of being the very first Mexican film to cash in on the worldwide stir created by Ken Russell’s raucous nunsploitation epic “The Devils.” Solares’ entry in the naughty-nuns-sweepstakes is not nearly as high-brow as Russell’s 1971 effort nor is it as wild and erratic as Juan Lopez Moctezuma’s “Alucarda” which also came out of Mexico. The film’s pacing is slow at times, but that may have been intentional, as the delivery of this incendiary subject matter is almost poetic, maybe even dreamlike, and the taboos that the film continually breaks would most surely rile even today’s lax Christians and Catholics.

Mondo Macabro delivered quite well on the extras this time around by including: an interview with the co-director, a featurette on nunsploitation movies, background notes, poster and still galleries and optional subtitles.

By: Christopher Curry

Body Parts

Directed by: Michael Paul Girard

Starring: Teri Lee, Dick Monda, Johnny Mandell, Clement Von Franckenstein, John Gidcomb

85 minutes / color

1990

Released on DVD by: Troma

1.5 stars

A maniac turns over a nightclub by brutally murdering its topless dancers, all the while videotaping the monstrous deeds. Two clumsy cops are called in to investigate, and what follows is a tedious string of Q & A’s that only leads to more T & A. None of it is to be taken seriously though as one woman has cunnilingus performed upon her by a Pomeranian named Pee Wee, a clairvoyant seeks psychic vibrations by sniffing a girl’s panties, and the alleged killer is supposedly possessed by an Egyptian god who has it in for felines.

Director Michael Paul Girard has made quite a career out of this kind of direct-to-video drivel, and even though he has a tongue-in-cheek approach it by no means saves his stuff. Girard is also responsible for: “Sweet Evil,” “Bikini Med School,” “Shadow Dancer” and “Witchcraft 7 & 9.”

By: Christopher Curry

Living Doll

Directed by: Peter Litten and George Dugdale

Starring: Mark Jax, Eartha Kitt, Gary Martin, Katie Orgill, Freddie Earl, Heather Robbins

94 minutes / color

1990

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3.5 stars

Howard is an introverted medical student, studying pathology, who’s in love with cute-as-a-cup-cake Christine. Trouble is that Christine doesn’t know, or even care, who Howard is and before our lovelorn protagonist can make the “big” move his object of desire is dead. Howard finds out the devastating news while keeping the “red eye” at the morgue and is ordered to assist in performing the autopsy. From this point the tone of “Living Doll,” and Howard’s mental capabilities, take a discouraging turn and along with Howie the viewer tumbles and fumbles forever downwards into a pit of stark raving madness and mayhem.

Things seem pretty hopeless for poor Howard. His best friend can’t help him, his boss is a conniving slave driver and his landlady is constantly sticking her nose in his business. Howard’s only comfort is knowing he’s taken Christine’s corpse back to his rathole apartment and she patiently awaits him. The fact his paramour’s body is stinking and rotting hardly deters Howard from carrying on with their love life, and so he does. Howard talks with Christine and dines with Christine. Howard even marries Christine and summarily consummates the union as all good newlyweds should. 

The more this craziness continues the more vexing things become for Howard and the film races to a shock and surprise ending. A surprise ending that will have fans of the genre tickled pink and wondering why they’d never heard of this little gem called “Living Doll.” One can only wonder what would have happened had Lucky McKee’s “May” met our new friend Howie the morgue attendant.

To no one’s surprise the exploitative details of “Living Doll” are glowingly obvious and painted all about; nudity, partying, gore, etc., are slathered, without pretense, across the screen. Regardless, the directors’ impressive trajectory, crossed with Paul Catling’s (“Hellraiser”) imagined and sickening special FX, coalesce fittingly with the arresting on-screen talents of lead actor Mark Jax. Altogether this charged cinematic concoction fires and fuels the film heads-n-shoulders above the drekk that it may have been in the hands of lesser qualified folk.

Being no stranger to DVD extras, Mondo Macabro got really busy and included: interviews with the cast and crew as well as a documentary involving the film’s producer Dick Randall, trailers, stills and an interesting short film by “Living Doll” author Paul Hart Wilden entitled “Horrorshow.”

By: Christopher Curry

Parts Of The Family

Directed by: Léon Paul De Bruyn

Starring: Norman Baert, Cecilia Bergqvist, Lloyd Kaufman, Geert Hoornaert,

85 minutes / color

2003

Released on DVD by: Troma

2 stars

Sexy Ella Fitzroy appears to be having an incredibly crappy day, she’s bored out of her brains and living alone in a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of Belgium with no family or friends in sight. The seductress takes to the street but is immediately kidnapped by a maniacal bank robber who proceeds to hold her hostage in her own home. The police show up and the criminal unwittingly makes demands (i.e. money, transportation etc.) that will take more time than he has bargained for. Soon the violent and sordid tale of Ms. Fitzroy is brought about.

The story is told through a series of flashbacks that involve sex, betrayal, murder and reincarnation. In an act of defiance Ella has killed her surrogate family and buried their mutilated bodies beneath the floorboards of the house. For no apparent reason, freshly killed blood will bring the dead relatives back to life as flesh eating zombies, and Ella knows of this ghastly phenomenon.

Ella does not want to be alone any longer and she begins murdering folks within the confines of the mansion and presto: instant family reunion. The film then comes alive with ample amounts of gut munching, blood and gore. Ella longs to be a part of the clan, but to her dismay, she is promptly shunned by her undead and unappreciative kin. In another act of contempt the heart-broken and delusional woman murders and kills her brethren a second time.

It all sounds so very promising, but sadly the film falls a might short of its creator’s aspirations. Some of the gory set pieces are believable while others are desperately unconvincing and of course the same can be said of the acting. The editing and pacing are at times slow which, much to the film producer’s chagrin, gives the viewer all the more opportunity to ponder the movie’s nonsensical premise and its visual short comings. “Parts of the Family” held great potential but it is a shame that it couldn’t have been more fully realized.

Apparently Lloyd Kaufman and Troma were not all that thrilled with the finished product either, as they opted to recut the movie. They also continued to poison the film with their patent brand of commentary along with added scenes of half-naked Tromettes masturbating and fat guys farting. This trivial and insulting version is included in the bonus section of this DVD as a 2nd feature. Of all the questionable films that Troma owns “Parts of the Family” should certainly be one of the last to receive this kind of treatment.

By: Christopher Curry

Fag Hag

Directed by: Damion Dietz

Starring: Stephanie Orff, Damion Dietz, Saadia Billman, Will Wheaton

73 minutes / Color

1998

Released on DVD by: Troma

2 stars

Two of society’s misfits, Destiny Rutt and Scott Bushey, not-so-miraculously find one another in and amidst their pathetic and dead end existences. Destiny longs to be crowned Miss Hope Springs (a town most noted for having the world’s largest parking lot) and Scott aspires to become the first white HIV-positive rapper, “T-Cell.” Neither hopeful possesses talent of any notable degree, and they spend most of their time supporting and coaching one another in their chosen fields. Their hearts are in the right places.

As things follow along, Destiny develops a crush on Scott. Of course by this point it is obvious that anyone paying any attention at all to Destiny would and could be potential recipients of her love and affections. Big problem though; Scott is gay, and has been ever since he witnessed a caged monkey cramming the ear piece of a pair of “Snoopy” sunglasses up its ass. These are misfits, remember? Eventually Ms. Destiny gives in and befriends Scott and his cohorts, subsequently becoming the proverbial fag hag. Oh, and she wins the Miss Hope Springs contest too, but only because all other contestants were either disqualified (one for being a she-male) or dropped out due to death, mutilation, terminal illness or other such mishaps.

“Fag Hag” is touted as being John Waters-like, but only the celebration of the gay community, and a smidgeon of the gonzo dialogue, could possibly be compared to the likes of “Female Trouble” or “Desperate Living”, let alone “Pink Flamingos.” Actually, the film is quite sweet, if not harmless, in its sympathetic treatment of Destiny and Scott, while at the same time sending-up the gay culture and many of its absurdities (i.e. their adoration for Pop star Madonna and the cinematic atrocity “Showgirls”). Sometimes “Fag Hag” is amusing in its slap-happiness, and at other times it is somewhat sad. 

One major drawback to “Fag Hag” is the cast and crew’s obvious inexperience. An inexperience that shows itself most often in the editing department, but also in some lackluster performances. The film also boasts some potentially great musical numbers, but again the tenderfoot cast and crew fork over an undercooked product. Sadly, “Fag Hag” is not as great, or as poignant as it could have been (it’s no “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”). But if one takes the crippling budget into account, as well as the fact that these newcomers are ready and willing, “Fag Hag” delivers amicably, even if it is a bit disjointed at times.

Tromatic Extras include: Audio commentary by director Damion Dietz and star Stephanie Orff as well as trailers and other standard Troma whatnots.

By: Christopher Curry

Wizards Of The Demon Sword

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray

Starring: Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney, Michael Berryman, Lyle Waggoner, Blake Bahner, Heidi Paine

87 minutes / color

1991

Released on DVD by: Troma

1.5 stars

Cheapie exploitation director Fred Olen Ray strikes again. This time the frugal film maker focuses his penny pinching talents on an ill-conceived sword and sandal mini-epic that goes nowhere fast. While Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney and Michael Berryman are all three shamefully wasted, the film’s creator even admits that “Wizards Of The Demon Sword” was a “big mistake.”

By: Christopher Curry

Girl Slaves Of Morgana Le Fay

Directed by: Bruno Gantillon

Starring: Dominique Delpierre, Mireille Saunin, Michele Percello, Regine Motte, Alfred Baillou

86 minutes / color

1971

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3 stars

Two French lovelies twist, turn and weave their car through a veritable labyrinth of countryside road work. Road work that would surely be better suited for a theme park rather than any point A to point B travel. This maniacal mess of pavement leads the girls straight to a castle, in fact it is soon discovered that all roads through the forest lead to this ancient, gothic manor, a fact that lends the film its first air of the supernatural.

Once at the castle, the girls are formally introduced to Gurth and Morgana. Gurth is a wretched little dwarf (the only male in the film) who wears entirely too much eyeliner, but by contrast, the striking Morgana wears entirely too much clothing. Morgana is a fiery redhead who not only heads up this medieval dwelling, but also takes little haste in letting the girls know exactly what she desires. 

Morgana wants to continue her ageless life and beauty by sucking the souls of her captives and in turn awarding them the very same agelessness and allure. If one declines her divine pact then off to the dungeon with them, where they will live out eternity old and, presumably, ugly. Morgana has apparently learned this self-serving, magical trick of the trade from Merlin the magician. More mysticism and magic. Kind of a Countess Bathory story, but without the mess.

The set-up is simple, yet effective; a coterie of naked beauties bound in eerie ruins overseen by a dominant sex kitten with the only testosterone in sight being that of a hunchbacked half-pint. With that the film is packed to the hilt with heavy petting, licking, kissing and fondling. It’s dreamy and ethereal, it’s titillating and erotic but not nearly as exploitative as it could have been. The film manages to step just outside of its sleazy trappings to offer up something wispy and soft, a bit psychedelic and yet still incredibly sexy. Think Jean Rollin mixed with a modicum of the classier Jess Franco.

Mondo Macabro’s special features include: Deleted scenes, an interview with the film’s director, subtitles, trailers, extensive liner notes, a poster gallery and Bruno Gantillon’s short, “An Artistic Couple”.

By: Christopher Curry

The Seduction Of A Nerd

Directed by: Don Joslyn

Starring: Julie Newmar, Wally Cox, Victor Buono

75 minutes / color

1970

Released on DVD by: Troma

2.5 stars

“The Seduction Of A Nerd” is a giddy and whimsical sex comedy with, surprisingly, little to no sex. Julie Newmar plays Mother, the owner of a waning toy company. Mother wants a new angle and finds it in a nerd named Clyde. Clyde makes finger puppets for a living, and stalks gorgeous women for relaxation.

Mother employs her obese son Skippy to see to it that Clyde comes aboard and brings his talents with him. A monetary offer ceases to faze the be-speckled goof-ball, and so an all out assault is launched in hopes of snagging their quarry. Their weapon of choice; chicks, really hot chicks. 

From this point on these cheesecake cuties try their damnedest to seduce Clyde into signing Mother’s contract. It never works, and while the eye candy is nice for a while the plot and premise begins to wear thin. This thing could have easily been a fetching vignette for a nudie-cutie from the 60's, but as an entire feature it lacks considerably, and finally bogs itself completely down.

It’s not an entire loss though as some of the gags work (it’s mostly 3 Stooges type stuff) and again the girls are really something to see. However, there’s not much here for the fairer sex as the male gender is primarily represented by the daffy Clyde and a very fat Skippy. The film was also known as “Mother,” “The Toy Grabbers,” “Up Your Teddy Bear” and “Mother Knows Best.” The swanky score by Quincy Jones is worthy of a mention as well.

Troma’s main extra feature is an interview with Julie Newmar.

By: Christopher Curry

They Call Me Macho Woman

Directed by: Patrick G. Donahue

Starring: Debra Sweaney, Sean P. Donahue, Brian Oldfield, Jerry Johnson, Paul Henri Roger

81 minutes / color

1989

Released on DVD by: Troma

2 stars

Toxie aside, this is the stuff that Troma is famous for: drugs and thugs, babes and boobs, cat fights and cat calls, blood and gore. Cute but mousy Susan happens upon (and is abducted by) a backwoods drug ring that is headed by the maniacal and militant Mongo. Mongo is determined and focused, but his army of dip-shits, more often than not, louse things up, and herein lies Susan’s greatest advantage.

Susan escapes and then is captured, and then escapes again. Using weapons found in an abandoned wood shed (and a newfound ability to be Rambo-like) Susan commences administering her own special brand of justice. Ten inch roofing nails are slung with deadly accuracy (most of which land directly into her victims’ eyes) and axes to the chest do the bulk of the hulks in, but leader Mongo is another problem altogether. More axes and more nails, and more axes and more nails finally brings the bald headed bruiser down. Susan is free.

“They Call Me Macho Woman” is hardly a piece of brilliant cinema, but it does deliver all that is expected of this type of film. Further, its concise 81 minute running time guarantees that the movie is off and running in short order, and all of the applicable and established contrivances are quickly set into place. Surfing across this at around 3:00 a.m., after the party has started to die down, would be a welcomed find. It’s not the best thing you’ll ever see, but then it’s certainly not the worst either.

By: Christopher Curry

For Your Height Only

Directed by: Eddie Nicart

Starring: Weng Weng, Anna Marie Gutierrez, Tony Ferrer, Beth Sandoval

88 minutes

1980

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3 stars

Agent 00 (three foot tall Weng Weng) is sent by the Philippine government to take down Mr. Giant and his drug dealing, white slaving gang of hit men. Of course all the baggage customary to spy thrillers is in place; girls, guns, gadgets and goons. Along the way Weng Weng beds beautiful women, displays a remarkable handling of firearms, and disco’s his little ass off. He also jets around in a miniature rocket back pack, dons x-ray glasses and crushes the crotches of his enemies with his tiny hands.

If the producers of this cinematic shit-storm didn’t expect us to snicker at all of this, then their intentions were certainly lost, or at the very least unclear. Incidently, the film is horribly dubbed into English and perhaps something of note went missing in translation, though it is doubtful. “For Your Height Only” can be seen as either a parody of James Bond films, or some sort of whack homage, and this was only the first of three. 

Further, Weng Weng’s character Agent 00 isn’t treated sympathetically, as was the case with Tod Browning’s “Freaks”, and to a lesser degree in Jack Cardiff’s “The Freakmaker”. Nope, this tacky exercise is what it is - an exploitation film. It’s unique and entertaining in a very low brow kind of way, just as such a picture should be.

This DVD release by Mondo Macabro also comes with the 2nd feature “Challenge Of The Tiger” and extensive background information on both.

By: Christopher Curry

Hard Rock Zombies

Directed by: Krishna Shah

Starring: E.J. Curse, Geno Andrews, Sam Mann, Mick Manz, Lisa Toothman, Jennifer Coe

96 minutes

1985

Released by: Vintage Movie Classics

2 stars

A hard rock band rolls into the quaint and sleepy town of Grand Guignol, but their “devil worshipin’” kind is not wanted around here. At least they are not wanted for their musical talents, but for their blood. A crazy family lures the quartet to a secluded house, allow them to perform and then attempt to electrocute them. After the sparks clear the band is murdered and mutilated by things like a weed eater and a werewolf lady in a wheelchair. A demented shutterbug documents the madness on film.

Later, through some god-awful Heavy Metal incantation the band’s corpses are reanimated. From here the boys don even more spandex, leather and spikes and lumber about the burg doing what is expected of them as the living dead. They strike all the right poses, play all the right songs, and the chicks dig ‘em. They’re the Hard Rock Zombies! At some point an incredible landslide of subplots begin to unfold. Truthfully it’s difficult to even determine exactly when and where this happens. “Hard Rock Zombies” just seems to spin around in 1000 different directions at all times. 

Some of the insanity involves anything from Adolph Hitler (he’s still alive) to the mating habits of zombies. There are Rock and Roll record smashing parties, an eyepatch adorned dwarf decked-out in full Nazi regalia (this is a sight to behold) and a woman who flash-dances for what seems like days on end. More weird shit involves a nasty little creature who spends the entire film literally eating itself, and in the end succeeds at devouring the flesh from its very own face. The movie does have some unique moments.

Originally this was to be a 20 minute short that was to be playing the background of director Krishna Shah’s “American Drive In”. Someone suggested he flesh it out to a full length feature. However, it’s doubtful that anyone advised Shah on exactly how it was supposed to be done. This film really lives up to that old adage “they threw in everything but the kitchen sink”. Further it’s cinematic proof that just because you have the money to make a movie doesn’t indeed mean that you should make a movie. Shah went on to produce “Sleepaway Camps 2, 3 and 4". “Hard Rock Zombies” was banned in Iceland.

This Vintage Movie Classics release comes as a triple feature packaged with a groovy lenticular cover and the umbrella title “The Undead Rising”. The other two films are “Revolt Of The Zombies” and the old public domain standby “Night Of The Living Dead”. The prints aren’t the best, but it’s hard to beat them for the money.

By: Christopher Curry

Merchants Of Death

Directed by: Ross Hagen

Starring: P.J. Soles, Russ Tamblyn, Clint Howard, Ross Hagen, Hoke Howell, William Smith, Amanda Blake, Rance Howard

88 minutes

1988

Released on DVD by: Troma

2 stars

“Merchants Of Death” (originally titled “B.O.R.N.”) capably hands over a bargain-counter treatment of the far more distinguished and orchestrated film “Coma”. A black market organ donor program is in business to supply the rich and well-to-do with whatever body parts they need. At present a heart for one young woman is required. 

Three bobby-soxers are nabbed for the gig, and their father Buck Cassidy, who wears a cowboy hat, hits the streets in search of his girls. The police are of no use, so Buck soon enlists the aid of former cop Charlie. The chase is on. 

Buck and Charlie spend a large portion of the film staked out in an RV drinking beer, smoking cigars, reminiscing of old times and staring at one another. Meanwhile, B.O.R.N. (Body Organ Replacement Network) carries on with its chores. Dr. Farley butchers the unwilling contributors accordingly, and his attendant Jerry slips away to fuck and fondle some of the other captive cuties. 

There’s some nasty surgery scenes, and a smidgeon of nudity, but all in all this thing plays out more like a made-for-Lifetime-TV- movie. In and amidst this slow, dopey drama P.J. Soles shows off her cleavage and shoots everyone in sight. Russ Tamblyn is as quirky as ever, and “Merchants Of Death” is proof positive that Tamblyn will do anything for money. Ms. Soles was associate producer on this film, and that’s proof she’ll spend money on anything. 

By: Christopher Curry

Brainiac

Directed by: Chano Urueta

Starring: Abel Salazar, Ariadna Welter, David Silva, Germán Robles, René Cardona

77 minutes

1962

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

3 stars

Baron Vitelius is found guilty of practicing sorcery, and by demand of a council is sentenced to death. Burning the heretic at the stake is their proposed method of punishment, and so they do. The Baron vows to return in 300 years and vindicate his execution upon his condemners’ descendants. Three centuries later, riding on a comet, the avenger returns to earth.

Vitelius moves into a gothic castle and throws parties for his quarry. When the earmarks are away from the other guests, the Baron transforms into the Brainiac. His head inflates, then pulsates, and a slender forked tongue protrudes from his mouth, which is inserted into the victim’s skull. From here their brains are drained, and what grey matter the ghoul cannot consume in one sitting is stored in a handy silver bowl. In between playing host to the party and orchestrating further murders, the Baron grabs a spoon, and from time to time sneaks a snack from his brain stash.

“Brainiac” hardly makes any sense at all, nor is it ever explained how, or why Vitelius transforms into a cerebellum connoisseur. Seeking revenge is one thing, but mutating into a bubble-headed creature from the past (AND from outer space) is something altogether different. 

During the 1960's, Mexico was churning out some incredibly bizarre, yet atmospheric product and “Brainiac” is no exception. Of course the dialogue is pitifully dubbed (thanks to K. Gordon Murray et al.), and much of the film’s original narrative is most probably lost. The print on this DVD is not perfect, but for this type of cinema it will suffice.

Vintage Movie Classics married this with two other fantastic exploiters; “Fury Of The Wolfman” and “Doctor Blood’s Coffin”. The triple feature is entitled, “Serial Chillers”.

By: Christopher Curry

The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues

Directed by: Dan Milner

Starring: Kent Taylor, Cathy Downs, Michael Whalen, Helen Stanton, Rodney Bell, Philip Pine

80 minutes

1956

Released by: Vintage Movie Classics

3 stars

A scientist’s testing of radiation yields him the world’s first “death ray”. This ray transforms one ocean dweller into a gigantic sea creature that kills hapless boaters and swimmers. The victims are soon washing ashore sporting third degree burns, rendering them virtually unidentifiable. The police and the government are called to step in and investigate the strange goings-on. Unbeknownst to the authorities a spy has been sent, by a criminal organization, to swipe the professor’s newly discovered formula.

This is pretty formulaic stuff from the height of the Cold War era. The professor dies by his creation, the G-man gets the girl, and the criminals are apprehended without so much as a fight. Nothing earth shattering, or mind expanding about the film, but the monster (a guy in a rubber suit) is really cool to look at, though it doesn’t get near enough screen time. It’s a Saturday Matinee type of thing. Not genius but fun all the same.

Vintage Movie Classics released this as the triple threat “Phantom Menacers” along with: “The Phantom From Space” and “The Phantom Planet”.

By: Christopher Curry

Funland

Directed by: Michael A. Simpson

Starring: William Windom, David L. Lander, Bruce Mahler, Jan Hooks, Jill Carroll

98 minutes

1987

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

2 stars

“Funland” revolves around Neil Stickney, who, after suffering a nervous breakdown, finds peace and solace by suiting-up in clown attire. With his red wig, red nose, red shoes and grease paint, Neil becomes Bruce Burger, the goofy mascot for Brewster’s Pizza Burger restaurant chain. Brewster’s is also the number one sponsor of a theme park called Funland (in reality it’s Six Flags Over Georgia).

Bruce’s mental faculties are skewed for sure, but he stays focused and on track as he is a key element to the park’s opening week. Bruce’s sympathetic employer, and part owner of the park, is murdered, and his ignorant wife sells it to the mob. First order of business, under the new ownership, is to cut overhead costs and can the clown. Bruce snaps.

Poor Bruce can no longer maintain the fort in his mind, and in an act of defiance he sabotages the park rides and concessions. Not at all content with that alone, he then takes to the clock tower and launches a shooting spree (though, ultimately he kills only one person). The film’s nowhere near as violent as the one-sheet suggests.

Witnessing Bruce’s culminating descent into insanity is this movie’s greatest strength, and even then it ain’t much. He spouts dialogue that only a madman would be capable of, and he commiserates with a zombie. A wax statue of Humphrey Bogart also steps in to try and help console the crazy clown.

“Funland” was written by Bonnie Turner who is also responsible for “3rd Rock From The Sun” and “That 70's Show”. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that this film is hardly a serious character study of a sociopath turned murderer. David L. Lander (Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley”) plays Bruce, and Jan Hooks from Saturday Night Live shows up as a flirtatious secretary. “Funland” is campy and cheap, a bit demented, far from frightening, but fairly entertaining.

Vintage Movie Classics sandwiched this between two other public domain pieces; “Carnival of Souls” and “Cabinet of Dr. Calagari”. The triple feature is called “Wicked Carnival” and it comes with a flicker cover.

By: Christopher Curry

Maniac

Directed by: Dwain Esper

Starring: Bill Woods, Horace B. Carpenter, Ted Edwards, Phyllis Diller, Thea Ramsey

51 minutes

1934

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

4 stars

A scientist, Dr. Meirschultz, is in the process of learning the secrets to regenerating dead tissue. Once everything is locked in place he hands his assistant, Maxwell, a gun and insists that he kill himself in order for them to properly test their new reagent. Without haste the apprentice shoots the doc, and promises to revive him via their secret formula. Of course he has no intention of giving new life to a man who just asked him to take his own, so Maxwell buries him behind a brick wall with a cat (yes, yes, Poe’s “The Black Cat”).

Maxwell, freshly turned murderer, disguises himself as his former employer and carries on with the experiments. In his Meirschultz get-up (a fright wig and a beard) Maxwell steals his experimental animals from a local cat rancher, and just for fun he pops their eyes out and eats them. Maxwell’s girlfriend visits, and informs him of a great amount of money that he is about to inherit. In his stark, raving mad mind he concocts the notion that she is going to kill him for his dough, and so he orchestrates a cat-fight between her and another female. He lures them into the basement (both armed with hypos), and they tear into one another kicking, punching, screaming and stabbing each other with needles.

As good as this may seem (and it is good) this wasn’t the point of this film at all. When “Maniac” was originally released it bombed miserably. Dwain Esper, a road-showman, took the film and re-edited it. While he was at it he added an all-girl pajama party, then a few flashes of naked breasts, and the film became a smash. 

The road-showman were much like the carnival-come-to-town for seekers of the cinematic unknown. Folks like Esper, Kroger Babb, Dan Sonney or Dave Friedman would roll in with an old, worn out, piece of shit movie, and tout it as the hottest thing around. Usually, the film in question was older than dirt, but the showmen (dubbed the Forty Thieves) would spice it up a bit with nudity of sort kind or another. Also, depending on the territories, the film could be racier, or perhaps less so. The more progressive the area, the more skin they could show, and of course the uptight, conservative parts of the country got little to no undress.

“Maniac” was also known as “Sex Maniac”. Vintage Movie Classics released this under the banner “Psychotic Connections” with two other features: “Wes Craven’s Chiller” and “Gothic”. “Maniac” gets 4 stars not for the quality of the print or even the movie itself, but mostly for its historical value and importance. This was one of the first “psychotronic” films to come about. Esper was also responsible for “Tell Your Children”, better known as “Reefer Madness”.

By: Christopher Curry

The Vampire Happening

Directed by: Freddie Francis

Starring: Pia Degermark, Thomas Hunter, Yvor Murillo, Ingrid van Bergen, Joachim Kemmer

102 minutes

1971

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

2.5 stars

Betty Williams, a Hollywood actress, leaves for Transylvania as she has inherited her family home. Taking its locale into account it should come as no surprise that her new pad is a creepy old manor with a creepy old butler and a creepy old torture chamber. The castle is also equipped with the family mausoleum, and here Betty finds her grandmother, Clairimonde, looking as young as ever. Clairimonde is a vampire.

The butler, Josef, explains that Clairimonde seduced Betty’s grandfather and forever held a curse over him. Betty, looking identical to her grandmother (Pia Degermark played both roles) falls for a local, Jens Larson. The two lovebirds carouse around naked (a lot), while Josef attempts to rid the castle of its evil entity. When Betty leaves the room Clairimonde enters. Jens is unable to tell the difference, and begins romping about with the vampiress, but curiously she does not bite his neck and seems only interested in copulating. Josef is confused as to which woman is which and remains so for almost the entire picture.

Later, Count Dracula has a blood suckers ball and the town’s un-dead inhabitants are all in attendance. There’s a rock band, loads of topless chicks and everyone is getting drunk. At the party, Clairimonde is accosted by the Count as he abhors the idea of her having sex, “...the worst kind of sex. Human sex!” Betty also shows up, and later Jens and Josef make their entrances. All kinds of goofy “switcheroo” stuff goes on with Betty and Clairimonde as Jens and Josef play “cat and mouse” with the both of them, never quite knowing who is who. 

Eventually our protagonists procure their prey and a plan is devised to eradicate the village of all the nosferatus. Their aim is to turn back the clock so that the drunken party guests will lose track of time and disintegrate in the rays of the morning sun. The scheme works, and all is well.

In 1971 Freddie Francis was hardly a new-comer to the cinema of gothic chillers and the like. By the time of “The Vampire Happening” he’d already turned in quite the tenure directing British screen horror legends Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee and Oliver Reed. Francis had been at the helm of 21 films by 1970 and a large majority of them were genre films. Francis desired a change of pace and this fairly amusing piece was his vehicle.

“The Vampire Happening” is not played for scares, but for laughs and titillation. The titillation is certainly succeeding as Pia Degermark looks really good. She spends much of the film either in slinky, sexy things or just outright naked. The comedy, however, is low-brow slapstick that will rarely, if ever, bring a smile to one’s face. The film is fun, but a bit tiring at 102 minutes. It’s also known as “Gebissen wird nur nachts” and “Happening der Vampire”. 

Vintage Movie Classics released this as “Vicious Vixens” along with “Lady Frankenstein” and “Vicious Kiss”.

By: Christopher Curry

King of Kong Island

Directed by: Roberto Mauri

Starring: Brad Harris, Esmeralda Barros, Marc Lawrence, Adriana Alben, Mark Ferran

92 minutes

1968

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

2.5 stars

“King of Kong Island,” or as the on-screen title announces “Kong Island” (in Italy it’s called “Eve, The Wild Woman”) is yet another cheap-o production from marketing and promotion guru Dick Randall. This time around the Italians and the Spanish collided under Randall’s supervision, and emerged with some mighty fine drive-in sleaze. The film is not well made by any stretch of the imagination, but it is gritty and grimy, unpredictable and full of ludicrous characters, situations and dialogue.

First things first though, there is no King. Secondly, there is no Kong, but rather a gaggle of gorillas with electronic brain receptors that allow a mad doctor, Albert Munier, to control their every move. Thirdly, there is no island, just a jungle. Lastly, there is very little plot. 

However, what we do have is fantastic character actor Marc Lawrence (“Pigs”) as the crazed scientist, muscle man Brad Harris (“The Mutations”) as the protagonist Burt Dawson, and the cute as a button Esmeralda Barros as Eve. More goodness comes in the form of Eve and her inability to don a shirt, (or a bra for that matter), and Burt with his inability to dance, even to some of Italy’s swankiest tunes. 

Of course no small mention should be given to Dr. Munier’s plan to rule the world with his robotic apes, the bloody surgery footage or the obligatory cat-fight between the two females. The one thing that would have pushed this sucker completely over-the-top would be a performance by John Carradine. Regretfully, he must’ve been busy doing “Astro Zombies”, “Autopsy of a Ghost” or some other such cinematic gem.

Vintage Movie Classics unleashed this along with two other titles; the tiresome jungle mini-epic “White Pongo” and the silly, but entertaining “Bride of the Gorilla.”

By: Christopher Curry

Slaughter Party

 

Viewer Discretion Advised

Directed by: Eddie Beverly Jr.

Starring: Tommy Blaze, George Cahill, Sheri Cook, Michael DuMouchel, Phil Morton, Meaghan Prester

98 minutes

1991

Released on DVD by: Troma

3 stars

Of all the different types of film comedy has to be one of, if not the, most difficult to pull off properly. Successful comedy relies heavily on so many things going right. The script, the actors, the direction, the timing, the execution and the editing all must be dead on, or at least as close to dead on as possible.

But then what kind of comedy is it? High brow, low brow, satire or slapstick? Maybe it’s all of the above which seldom, if ever, works in a linear story-telling movie. However, one particular breed of cinema (which at this point in time has no official name) has managed to squeeze multiple forms of comedy into its framework. 

“The Groove Tube”, “Kentucky Fried Movie” and “Amazon Women on the Moon” are the most notable of the make. These films were most surely silver screen reactions to Rowan and Martin’s “Laugh-In” or Monty Python’s “Flying Circus”. The aim of the producers of these movies was to push the envelope of taste. Sex and nudity were high on their lists, as was illegal drug usage and foul language. Now there’s a new kid on the block and its name is “Viewer Discretion Advised”.

Star Tommy Blaze plays a TV addict named Ted Smith who one day finds himself locked within the confines of his favorite household appliance. Ted is in the tube. Our hero bounces from segment to segment ranging from horror movies and commercials to game shows and westerns. These sketches are broken apart by the supposed changing of a channel. Static and white noise momentarily fill the screen and then poor Ted is in some other unfortunate predicament. Most all of the sketches work. Some will have you crying with laughter while others rate only a snicker, but none of it falls completely flat and that’s the worst thing that can happen in comedy. 

Troma released this DVD sleeper along with Ray Mahoney’s “Bacon Head”.

By: Christopher Curry

Santanico Pandemonium

Directed by: Gilberto Martinez Solares

Starring: Cecilia Pezet, Enrique Rocha, Delia Magana, Veronica Avila, Sandra Torres

90 minutes / color

1973

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3 stars

The Devil visits a convent and commences to poison the mind of Sister Maria with devious sexual thoughts and unthinkable desires. Maria is apparently weak-willed and soon clothes are coming off and we have lots of naked women and lots of naked men. Strangely, everyone in this village appears to be a prude, as all of Maria’s sexual advances are promptly declined; out of frustration, the good Sister violently murders her would-be-confidants. Just to make sure that the exploitation quotient is running on high, the film makers also threw in some whippings, self mutilation, Christian sacrilege, repentance, blood, torture and gore.

Gilberto Martinez Solares’ “Satanico Pandemonium” has the most dubious distinction of being the very first Mexican film to cash in on the worldwide stir created by Ken Russell’s raucous nunsploitation epic “The Devils.” Solares’ entry in the naughty-nuns-sweepstakes is not nearly as high-brow as Russell’s 1971 effort nor is it as wild and erratic as Juan Lopez Moctezuma’s “Alucarda” which also came out of Mexico. The film’s pacing is slow at times, but that may have been intentional, as the delivery of this incendiary subject matter is almost poetic, maybe even dreamlike, and the taboos that the film continually breaks would most surely rile even today’s lax Christians and Catholics.

Mondo Macabro delivered quite well on the extras this time around by including: an interview with the co-director, a featurette on nunsploitation movies, background notes, poster and still galleries and optional subtitles.

By: Christopher Curry

Witchcraft 666

Directed by: Julie Davis

Starring: Jerry Spicer, Debra K. Beatty, Shannon McLeod, Craig Stepp, Kurt Alan, John E. Holiday, Bryan Nutter

87 minutes / color

1994

Released on DVD by: Troma

2.5 stars

Former Occultist Will Spanner is enlisted to aid the police in an investigation of ritual murders. As things unfold the trio discover a Satanic coven practicing in the hills of Hollywood. Savanti is the head of the devilish ring and longs to join his lord and master, Satan. The key to his and Satan’s rendevous involves a virgin sacrifice.

Savanti has dispatched of his two most trustworthy, Cat and Jonathan, in an attempt to locate an untapped earmark. Meathead Jonathon, a dead ringer for Ted Bundy, is unable to keep from spoiling the goods and so Savanti becomes increasingly more impatient and angry. Around trying to please their leader, Cat and Jonathan fuck a lot. Around a largely mishandled investigation, the police eat donuts a lot.

Spanner and his confectionary connoisseurs follow false lead after false lead before finally figuring out the dastardly plan of the devil worshipers. There’s loads of simulated sex and naked girls. In fact this is one of the most well endowed films since Russ Meyer’s “Supervixen”, but overall the movie just isn’t that good. The look and feel of the film is very soft, much like a soap opera, and the acting is on par with a soap as well. It’s not horrible, but far from great. Troma, being the fine practitioners of tact and good taste, opted to include a nudity only chapter index.

By: Christopher Curry

The Head

Directed by: Victor Trivias

Starring: Horst Frank, Karin Kernke, Helmut Schmid, Paul Dahlke, Dieter Eppler, Kurt Muller-Graf, Christiane Maybach, Michael Simon

92 minutes / black and white

1959

Released on DVD by: Vintage Movie Classics

4 stars

“The Head” is a German horror film that perfectly balances the shadowy expressionism of classics like “Nosferatu” and “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” while harkening to the future of experimental surgery. Dr. Ood has excised the head of a famous scientist and kept it/him alive by the use of chemicals, tubes, hoses and wires. Ood also fancies an attractive yet humpbacked lady friend, and eventually exchanges her body for that of a sexy showgirl. Ood dismembers and alters the bodies of almost everyone he comes in contact with before he is finally apprehended for his grotesque crimes.

As authors Cathal Tohill and Pete Tombs pointed out in their book “Immoral Tales” it’s really the “supernatural determination” of Ood that drives this film into a world of its own. Plus, it’s a world that no one in their right mind would ever want to visit. It is a dark and abstract place where light reveals very little and in the night nothing good could ever possibly happen. “The Head” is a bona fide chiller that has to be seen to be fully understood and appreciated. It was a unique film for its time that deserves to have the spotlight turned on it once again. Finland wasn’t impressed and it was summarily banned.

Vintage Movie Classics packaged this seldom seen gem with the most notorious disembodied head movie of all time, “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” and “The Manster”.

By: Christopher Curry

Virgins from Hell

Directed by: Ackyl Anwari

Starring: Enny Beatrice, Yenny Farida, Leily Sagita, Nina Anwar, Ratna Debby, Yetty Lourens, Harry Capri, Uckie Kartolo

94 minutes / color

1987

Released on DVD by: Mondo Macabro

3 stars

“Virgins from Hell” is an Indonesia exploitation piece that haphazardly combines no less than three time-honored staples of the drive-in era movie. It’s a biker flick smashed into a women in prison romp that is stirred up with a rape revenge subplot; but the fun doesn’t stop there. Two Asian cuties watch as their parents are murdered by an evil drug dealer, Mr. Tiger, who intends to use their mansion as his headquarters. Enlisting the aid of their friends the orphans form an all-girl motorcycle gang to execute their plot for reprisal. Their plan doesn’t work, and they’re captured and imprisoned. From this point the film really spins out of control.

Mr. Tiger isn’t the leader of any old ordinary drug ring. Nope, he’s in the business of developing and trafficking an illegal aphrodisiac, and his new prisoners will be the guinea pigs. One by one the girls are taken from their cells to be experimented upon. They are poked and prodded by needles and then poked and prodded by the guards. As more and more girls are taken away the remainder become over incensed, and an upheaval is on the rise. Eventually the girls have had enough, and in their leather short-shorts and knee high go-go boots they escape and exact their revenge. Mr. Tiger and his band of goons are going down.

“Virgins from Hell” would seem to have everything a film of this type requires to be considered a classic, but unfortunately it falls a bit short of the mark. The girls don’t ride their bikes very well and they’re not that good at fighting either; but that’s not the film’s greatest flaw. The real crime of this movie is that with all of the steamy and sexy subject matter not one single solitary girl is capable of finding her way out of her top. These girls do everything fully clothed including taking a bath! Those few disappointments aside, “Virgins from Hell” still comes away an enjoyable and entertaining entry into the always unpredictable Indonesian exploitation film racket.

Mondo Macabro released this with more extras than ever. Over 70 minutes of trailers from the company behind “Virgins from Hell”, a documentary on Indonesian cinema and tons of informative liner notes by Pete Tombs.

By: Christopher Curry